| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
|
 Posted - 03/03/2005 : 18:58:57
|
 That reminded me of another one.
A rabbi was due to retire after forty years. Part of his duties had been to perform circumcisions and he'd never thrown any of the foreskins away, instead he'd collected them in a large jar.
He decided that an appropriate souvenir of his service would be to have the foreskins made into something so he visited the local leather worker.
The craftsman asked the rabbi if he had anything in mind and the rabbi told him he wanted it to be a surprise.
A week later the rabbi was disappointed to receive a key case.
"Oi vey! Forty years and all I get is a key case?" complained the rabbi.
The leather worker winked. "Yes, but if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase."
|
 |
|
|
lekolight 
"Now Available in CinemaScope"
|
Posted - 03/05/2005 : 23:32:00
|
Ok - Rabbi Jokes - this is one of my favorites - but works well with ministers of all denominations.
There was a venerable Rabbi, respected and revered by his entire congregation. He spent years on the pulpit and performing his clerical duties flawlessly.
For all the good he did for so many years he still had one major shortcoming... his sermons always ran far too long. They rambled and twisted and turned so often that by the time he got around to tieing all the tangents together the congregation had forgotten his original point. (At least those who were still awake by the end.)
The president of the congregation, at the urging of his fellow members, knew he had to do something. After one, long, drawn out oratory he approached the rabbi after the service and heartily thanked him for his wonderful sermon.
"In fact", the president said, "This sermon was so special that I've purchased a half hour on air time on the local radio station so that you can share it with the entire town.
"Of course", the congregational leader continued, "A half hour of air time, with commercials, station breaks, introductions, and closing music actually works our to about :23 minutes total. Do you think you could cut your sermon down to that length but still retain it's full impact?"
"Definitely!" the Rabbi responded without hesitation. "23 minutes will be no problem."
"Great", said the president. "But then, why didn't you do that in the first place?"
|
|
|
|
Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 02:15:29
|
Aussies should like this one, especially AC. 
Q. What do you do for a drowning Fremantle player?
A. Nothing. You could drag him to the top, but he'll choke anyway.
===========================
Q. Whats the difference between Fremantle and an arsonist?
A. An arsonist wouldn't waste 22 matches.
============================
Fremantle are bringing out a new bra! Plenty of support, soft and no CUP!!!
============================
Did you hear that the Post Office has had to recall their latest stamps?
They had pictures of Fremantle players on them. People couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
============================
Did you hear about the politician who was found dead in a Fremantle jersey?
The police had to dress him up in women's underwear in order to save his family from the embarrassment.
============================
Four surgeons are taking a coffee break.
The first one says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up everything inside them is numbered."
The second surgeon says, "Nah, librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
Third surgeon says, "Try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded."
The fourth one says, "I prefer Fremantle players. They're heartless, spineless, gutless and their heads and arses are interchangeable."
============================
A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend "What's happened to your car ?"
"Well," the friend responds, "I ran over Matthew Pavlich".
"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt ?"
"Well, he tried to escape through the park."
============================
Q. If you see a Fremantle fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A. It could be your bicycle.
============================
Q. What do Fremantle fans and sperm have in common?
A. One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.
============================
Q. What do you have when 100 Fremantle fans are buried up to their necks in sand?
A. Not enough sand.
============================
Q. What's the difference between a dead dog on the road and a dead Fremantle fan on the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the dog.
============================
Q. You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a Fremantle fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What do you do?
A. Shoot the Fremantle fan - twice.
============================
Q. How many Fremantle fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Seven - one to change it, five to moan about it and make excuses and Chris Connolly to say that if the umpire had done his job in the first place the light bulb would never have gone out.
=============================
Q. What's the difference between a female Fremantle fan and a Pit Bull?
A. Lipstick
=============================
Q. Santa Claus , the tooth fairy, an intelligent Fremantle fan, and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a $100.00 note. Who gets it?
A. The drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.
==============================
Q. What is black and brown and looks good on a Fremantle Fan?
A. A Doberman.
==============================
Q. What do Fremantle Fans use for birth control ?
A. Their personalities.
==============================
Q. What is the difference between an Fremantle Fan and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
==============================
Q. What do you call 5000 dead Fremantle Fans at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start.
==============================
A Fremantle fan dies on match day and goes to heaven in his Fremantle jumper. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St Peter in a St Kilda scarf. "Hello, mate," says St Peter, "I'm sorry, no Fremantle fans in heaven."
"What?" exclaims the man, astonished.
"You heard. No Fremantle fans."
"But, but, but, I've been a good man," replies the Fremantle supporter.
"Oh, really?" says St Peter. "What have you done then?"
"Well," says the guy, "three weeks before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the starving children in Africa."
"Oh," says St Peter. "Anything else?"
"Well, two weeks before I died, I also gave 20 bucks to the homeless."
"Hmmm. Anything else?"
"Yeah. A week before I died, I gave 20 bucks to the Albanian orphans."
"Okay," says St Peter, "you wait here a minute while I have a word with the governor." Ten minutes pass before St Peter returns. He looks the bloke in the eye and says, "I've had a word with God and he agrees with me. Here's your sixty bucks back, now piss off."
|
|
|
|
AC 
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
|
Posted - 03/10/2005 : 02:33:18
|
Fair cop, Sean, but you'll understand when i say I've seen every single one of those jokes before - but they were all about All Blacks. Every one of them. 
|
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 03:47:57
|
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all."
Murphy replied "Don't worry - just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we be in? We haven't got any money!!"
Murphy replied, with a smile "Not to worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said "Murphy - I don't think I can do any more o' this. I'm piss drunk and me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub!"
---------------------
Happy St. Patricks Day! |
Edited by - Sean on 03/16/2005 21:08:46 |
|
|
|
duh 
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 14:10:22
|
Sort of an Easter season joke:
A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet. The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
|
|
|
|
shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
|
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 17:15:44
|
quote:
Originally posted by Sean
Shamus
When have you ever known an Irish name spelt phonetically? You're even called Sean!
|
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 03/16/2005 : 21:10:14
|
quote:
Originally posted by shoon
quote:
Originally posted by Sean
Shamus
When have you ever known an Irish name spelt phonetically? You're even called Sean!
D'Oh!  I just pasted it from the email as it was. Fixed now. What's even worse, Seamus is one of my many nicknames! 
|
|
|
|
shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
|
Posted - 03/17/2005 : 20:48:11
|
|
|
|
|
duh
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 03/19/2005 : 15:27:48
|
Children's Science Exam answers. These purporedly are real answers from school kids.
(1) Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
(2) Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
(3)Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
(4)Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.
(5)Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this
fight.
6)Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(7)Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
8)Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
(9)Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.
(10)Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
(11)Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized?
(e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium
contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five
bowels, A, E, I, O, and U.
12)Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.
(13)Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby. (I do love this one...)
(14)Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.
(15)Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight
|
|
|
|
shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
|
Posted - 03/20/2005 : 17:02:34
|
A funny exam paper. Go to Funn Pics and Exam Questions.jpg.
|
Edited by - shoon on 03/20/2005 17:03:19 |
|
|
|
duh
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 03/20/2005 : 17:38:52
|
quote:
Originally posted by shoon
A funny exam paper. Go to Funn Pics and Exam Questions.jpg.
Gee, that student sounds pretty clever, albeit completely unprepared for the exam. (Makes me think of myself as a college student, with regard to the "unprepared" part.)
|
|
|
|
Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
|
Posted - 03/20/2005 : 19:34:44
|
I didn't think they were allowed to publish my 1982 HSC Chemistry Exam paper. Whatever happened to student privacy???? 
Damn aliens.
|
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 03/24/2005 : 11:08:18
|
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate."
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part".
The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really rude letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple.".
|
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 03/25/2005 : 11:40:01
|
Not sure how much of this is true.... if any...... 
The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way..... Who's yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.
1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of �child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.
2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if �this helps.
�
3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a �man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.
�
4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW �that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps �you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it�replaced.
�
5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was �immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.
�
6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do �so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the �economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.
7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same �to me.
8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can �you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at �the same time....well I don't have a clue.
9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; �maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.
�
10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for �sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd �have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.
�
11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when �you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Jokes
