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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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 Posted - 03/10/2006 : 07:50:29
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Sadly, this actually makes sense...
This is how it manifests . I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the front verandah table that I brought up from the letter box earlier, just after the mailman had been.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I put my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage bin beside the table, and notice that the bin is full. So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I'm going to be near the post box when I take out the garbage anyway (and the mailman picks up the mail at noon) . I may as well pay the bills first. So, I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only 1 cheque left. My spare cheque book is in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke I'd been drinking earlier this morning.
I know I going to look for my cheque book, but first I need to push the Coke can aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The Coke is warm, so I decide to put it in the refrigerator to make it cold again. As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the dining room table catches my eye -- they need water.
I put the Coke on the dining room table and discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to put more water in the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the table, go to the kitchen sink to get a jug and fill it with water and suddenly spot the TV remote on the window sill. Some-one left it there.
I realise that tonight when we go to watch TV, I'll be looking for the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the window sill, so I decide to put it back in the lounge room where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the jug, but spill some on the floor. So, I set the remote back on the kitchen bench, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
- the car isn't washed
- the cheque's aren't written for the bills to be paid
- there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the dining room table
- the flowers don't have enough water,
- there is still only 1 cheque in my cheque book,
- I can't find the remote,
- I can't find my glasses,
- the garbage hasn't been taken out
- and I don't remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I'm really tired now.
I realise this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Do me a favour. Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember who the hell I've sent it to.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!
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silly 
"That rabbit's DYNAMITE."
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Posted - 03/10/2006 : 16:07:32
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A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.
From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,
"You,foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"
So the married couple walked in.
The Jamaican said to them, "I have some specia sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."
The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.
The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"
The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon."
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!
In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.
The Jamaican then began screaming, "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!" |
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Earnest Scribbler 
"Writer of Jokes"
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Posted - 03/11/2006 : 02:34:46
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There is an Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman, and their plane is shot down over the jungle and they get captured by a native tribe. The Chief of the tribe tells them they will let them go if they complete a test of strength. They must collect 10 pieces of one kind of fruit from the jungle. The Englishman returns with 10 bananas. The tribe chief says "You must put all 10 pieces of fruit up your behind without crying out in pain or you will be killed and cooked". The Englishman does one banana and screams in pain, and is killed and eaten. The scotsman returns with 10 cherries. he gets 9 cherries up before he cries out, and is killed and eaten. When he gets to heaven the Englishman asks him why he cried out, he was nearly there. The scotsman replies "i saw the irishman returning with pineapples".
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 03/13/2006 : 05:43:13
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A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:
"Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof."
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:
"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions, and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change in the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
#1 If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
#2 Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to by Ms. Therese Banyan during my Freshman year, "that it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you," and we take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, the #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic."
 Falken
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Edited by - Falken on 03/13/2006 05:44:04 |
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/14/2006 : 19:26:37
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A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied." "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on it's haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!," she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 03/16/2006 : 08:15:14
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A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the phone book and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes. The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun, and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
The bear remover replies, "If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
Falken |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 03/17/2006 : 21:27:06
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At a world brewing convention, the CEOs of various brewing organizations retired to the bar at the end of the first day's conference.
Bruce, CEO of Fosters, shouted to the barman: "In 'Strilya, we make the best bloody beers in the world, so pour me a bloody Fosters, mate!"
Bob, CEO of Budweiser, calls out next, "In the States, we brew the finest beers in the world, and I make the king of them all - - gimme a Bud!"
Hans steps up next: "In Germany ve haf invented zer beer, verdamt! Gif me ein Becks, der real K�nig of der beers, danke."
Paddy, CEO of Guinness, steps forward: "Barman would ya give me a diet Coke wit ice and lemon. Tanks."
The other stare at him in stunned silence, amazement written all over their faces. Eventually Bruce asks: "Are you not going to have a Guinness, Paddy?"
Paddy replies: "Well, if you fookin' pansies aren't drinkin', den noider am Oi!"
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 03/23/2006 : 07:20:37
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Check this out...
Go to Google and type in "French Military Victories".
Then click on "I'm feeling lucky" and see what happens... 
Le Falken |
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SoS
"Englishman in Qatar!"
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Posted - 03/23/2006 : 21:59:33
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quote:
Originally posted by Falken
Check this out...
Go to Google and type in "French Military Victories".
Then click on "I'm feeling lucky" and see what happens...
Le Falken
That made me laugh out loud. Brilliant!!!
Will be sharing that with many friends - I think it will tickle just about anyone English.
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 04/03/2006 : 15:34:43
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.
"There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor."
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.
He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart |
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Whippersnapper. 
"A fourword thinking guy."
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Posted - 04/13/2006 : 15:29:12
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Heard the one about the blonde who was trapped for three hours during a power cut?
She vowed never to use an escalator again. 
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 04/21/2006 : 22:47:28
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This one is for Conan
At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
Al-gebra is a fearsome cult," Ashcroft said. "They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'there are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes".
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/28/2006 : 02:21:52
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The World's Shortest Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted and lived happily ever after.
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Paddy C
"Does not compute! Lame!"
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Posted - 04/29/2006 : 16:54:18
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This is painful!
A guy is driving around Dublin and he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Gardai about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed.He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten euro," the man says.
"Ten euro? But this dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a bloody liar. He never did any of that shite." |
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 04/29/2006 : 23:05:52
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| Good one Paddy C. |
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Jokes
