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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
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 Posted - 01/13/2006 : 16:52:42
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quote:
Originally posted by silly
Everything was fine as we watched the big white bear frolicking
with the smaller females at the zoo. Then that same male attempted
to climb the back of another male!
The ensuing bloody fight caused entire families to run shrieking
in the other direction. Only then did I truly understand the
insidious effects of bipolar disorder.
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 01/20/2006 : 07:56:21
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Here's a groaner...
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back after you throw it?
A: A stick.
 Falken |
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 01/20/2006 : 09:07:55
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Annual Neologism Contest
Once again, the "Washington Post" has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
Other worthy mentions are
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): It's like when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then the Earth explodes and it's like a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The colour you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
And the pick of the literature:
16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
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TitanPa 
"Here four more"
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Posted - 01/21/2006 : 03:08:20
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An American tourist in London wanders into a local pub, downs a few pints, then stumbles out the door. After walkin for a while, he finds himself in a posh residential neighborhood with no public bathrooms.
In pain, he finds a side street and walks up to a wall. Just as he unzips his pants, a British cop grabs his arm and says, "Sir, you can't do that here."
"Sorry officer." replies the American, "but I really have to take a leak, and I can't find a bathroom anywhere."
"Follow me then," says the cop. He leads the American down a back alley and opens a gate. Inside is a lush garden with manicured lawns, topiaries, statues, and fountains.
"Whiz anywhere you like." says the cop.
The American goes about his business then returns and says, "I guess this is what you call English Hospitality!"
"No, sir," replies the cop. "This is what we call the French Embassy." |
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lemmycaution 
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 02/04/2006 : 17:05:05
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| Sheryl Crow/Lance Armstrong engagement called off. Guess he didn't have the balls. |
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 02/04/2006 : 19:08:14
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Did ya hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
Falken |
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 02/04/2006 : 20:30:00
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quote:
Originally posted by Falken
Did ya hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
Falken
If it was really bad he could have used logs. |
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Whippersnapper. 
"A fourword thinking guy."
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Posted - 02/04/2006 : 22:54:26
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quote:
Originally posted by lemmycaution
quote:
Originally posted by Falken
Did ya hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil...
Falken
If it was really bad he could have used logs.
That's assuming he could differentiate... |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/21/2006 : 10:38:10
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A blind man wanders into a lesbian biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "Nah... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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Falken
"Intestinal Fourtitude."
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Posted - 02/22/2006 : 06:35:31
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An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it with her all night.
She kept screaming, "Fujifoo! Fugifoo!"
The American thought she was screaming in pleasure. The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one.
Wanting to impress the clients he said, "Fujifoo!"
One Japanese man looked at him confused and said,
"No, you got the right hole." |
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silly 
"That rabbit's DYNAMITE."
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Posted - 02/23/2006 : 17:51:12
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Bumper sticker I saw yesterday on the way home:
What would Scooby Do? |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 03/09/2006 : 08:14:49
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Shipwrecked Aussie
An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those amorous feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?" |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 03/09/2006 : 09:00:35
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quote:
Originally posted by Sean
Shipwrecked Aussie
An Aussie was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realised that they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there a while, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely Aussie. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual.
It was another beautiful evening red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Aussie started to get "those amorous feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously, and whispered in her ear:...
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
He was a Kiwi, you tosser. |
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/09/2006 : 21:57:52
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I just wanted to let you know that the new Homeland Security Bill has passed. Things will be different now and Internet surfing will be tracked by what the FBI calls a "non-intrusive method."
The FBI says you will not notice anything different.
For a demonstration, click on the link below. Then use your mouse pointer normally.
click here. |
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silly
"That rabbit's DYNAMITE."
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Posted - 03/09/2006 : 22:29:00
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The fourth-grade teacher had to leave the room for a few minutes.
When she returned, she found the children in perfect order.
Everybody was sitting absolutely quiet.
She was shocked and stunned and said, "I've never seen anything like it before. This is wonderful. But, please tell me, what came over all of you? Why are you so well behaved and quiet?"
Finally, after much urging, little Sally spoke up and said, "Well, one time you said that if you ever came back and found us quiet, you'd drop dead." |
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Jokes
