| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Wheelz 
"FWFR%u2019ing like it%u2019s 1999"
|
 Posted - 11/18/2005 : 14:04:13
|
A first grade teacher (not the same one duh told us about above) was trying to stimulate creative thinking in her pupils. She stood in front of the class with her hands behind her back and said, "I'm holding something behind my back. It's round and it fits in the palm of my hand. Who can guess what it is?"
Billy's hand went up and he asked, "Is it a baseball?"
"No, Billy," replied the teacher, "It's not a baseball. But you're thinking, and I like that."
Suzy's hand went up and she asked, "Is it an orange?"
"No, Suzy," replied the teacher, "It's not an orange. But you're thinking, and I like that."
Then Johnny spoke up: "Hey, teach, I don't know what you got in your hand, but I got something for you in my pocket. It's long and hard and pink on one end."
Shocked, the teacher cried, "Johnny, that's disgusting! You march yourself to the Principal's office right this instant!"
"Hey, relax," said Johnny. "I was talking about my pencil... But you're thinking, and I like that."
|
 |
|
|
bennyr81 
"Poland here i come"
|
Posted - 11/18/2005 : 16:08:18
|
Let's stay in school..
In a small school in Puebla, Mexico a nun is speaking to her young pupils. She asks the question " When you go to heaven, which part of your body goes first?"
After a bit of umming and arghhing young Maria sticks up her hand..."Miss, miss I know...It is your hands."
"Very good," replied the teacher, "why do you think that it is the hands first?"
"Because when you are sat down praying, with your hands together, God comes down and picks you up"
"Very good" Said the nun, "does everyone agree with that answer?"
Silence hit the room for a few seconds until a small hand rose from the back of the room..
"It's your legs miss" said antonio.
"Why do you think that?"Asked the nun
"The other night when i was about to go to bed i heard my mum shouting Jesus christ im coming im coming....so i rushed into her room and there she was with her legs in the air, and if it wasnt for my dad on top of her she would have gone up to heaven." |
|
|
|
MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
|
Posted - 11/24/2005 : 20:41:49
|
What do you tell a jerk with two black eyes?
Nothing: he's already been told twice. |
|
|
|
shoon 
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
|
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 01:30:09
|
| Ah now, see I heard that as a woman. Although I see how that could be construed as sexism... |
|
|
|
tortoise
"Still reviewing, but slowly."
|
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 09:30:21
|
quote:
Originally posted by shoon
Ah now, see I heard that as a woman.
 So how's the gender realignment therapy going?  |
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 10:04:22
|
quote:
Originally posted by sbudgie
quote:
Originally posted by shoon
Ah now, see I heard that as a woman.
So how's the gender realignment therapy going?
I was waiting for someone to say that.  |
|
|
|
MguyX
"X marks the spot"
|
Posted - 11/25/2005 : 19:15:12
|
Yeah, I heard it that way too, but I thought I'd show some self restraint for a change. Nothing like a little bondage with the old transgenderism.  |
|
|
|
duh
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 12/09/2005 : 19:52:55
|
Discouraged???
Feeling down? Do you wish mediocrity translated into power? Do you ever wish the world of high achievers would just go away? If average means, "best of the worst and worst of the best," do you ever wish the best would just lock themselves in a closet and disappear? Have you ever, just for a passing moment, desired to reward failure? Laugh about it--after all, laughter feels good. Try some of these underachiever ideas, from a strictly pessimistic perspective, and see how they feel:
Performance:
Enjoy doing poorly what others try to do well.
Effort:
I am working hard while frowning for it takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile.
Procrastination:
To procrastinate is to relax and that benefit is immediate. Remember, a bird in the hand is better than two in the bush.
Self imposed limitations:
Limitations are like walls in a cozy home--I don't have to deal with the weather.
Intelligence:
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Purpose:
I have no purpose unless the purpose of my life is to serve as a warning to others.
Hope:
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
Joy:
That which does not end it now only postpones the inevitable.
Optimism:
Bad stuff happens--ask anyone under the toilet bowl.
Personal growth:
I remain focused only on my present failings, now and forever, for I know what I am aware of is only the tip of the iceberg.
Knowledge:
Clueless is the most popular Sir-name in my workplace.
Success:
The real secret to succeeding is knowing whom to blame.
Attitude:
Beware--attitudes are contagious and mine might be harmful to you.
Relationships:
If you think it's lonely at the top--you should try being evicted from the bottom.
Determination:
The longest journey sometimes goes in circles.
|
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 12/30/2005 : 10:40:06
|
A sexy young woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room." |
|
|
|
Stalean
"Back...OMG"
|
Posted - 12/30/2005 : 20:50:36
|
I just received this cute holiday wish...
For My Democrat Friends:
"Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2006, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. And without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wishee. By accepting these greetings you are accepting these terms. This greeting is not subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for herself or himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher. This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher."
For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! |
|
|
|
Stalean
"Back...OMG"
|
Posted - 01/08/2006 : 17:06:12
|
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2006 when...
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is
that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries. (guilty  )
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the
screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have
the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on
this list.
AND NOW U R LAUGHING at yourself.
|
|
|
|
duh
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 01/08/2006 : 17:56:09
|
quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
I just received this cute holiday wish...
For My Republican Friends:
Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!
Very funny!
My apologies to all Liberal Fwiffers: no offense intended.  |
|
|
|
Stalean
"Back...OMG"
|
Posted - 01/13/2006 : 01:48:42
|
Students were assigned to read 2 books, "Titanic" & "My Life" by Bill Clinton. One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report:
Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99
Titanic: Over 3 hours to read
Clinton: Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.
Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica's forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.
Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
|
|
|
|
duh
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 01/13/2006 : 08:08:19
|
quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary...basically the same thing.
|
|
|
|
silly
"That rabbit's DYNAMITE."
|
Posted - 01/13/2006 : 15:09:45
|
Everything was fine as we watched the big white bear frolicking
with the smaller females at the zoo. Then that same male attempted
to climb the back of another male!
The ensuing bloody fight caused entire families to run shrieking
in the other direction. Only then did I truly understand the
insidious effects of bipolar disorder. |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Jokes
