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duh 
"catpurrs"
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 Posted - 10/18/2005 : 03:06:41
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A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
> So he took his costume and away he went. The wife,
after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it
was still early, she decided to go the party.
> Since her husband did not know what her costume was,
she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he
acted when she was not with him.
> She joined the party and soon spotted her husband
cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he
could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife
sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his
partner high and dry and devoted ! his time to the new stuff that had just
arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.
> Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear
and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the
costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would
make for his behavior.
> She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she
asked what kind of a time he had. He said:
> - Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there.
> - Did you dance much?
> - I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I
got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/18/2005 : 05:31:27
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Tommy Cooper lives on:-
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - ".. If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...".
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No way, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week ..... and pulled a mussel [bot of topical humour in there too!]
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, and it sank ....... proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. "Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'."
"Well, that sounds like the Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common Doc?"
"Well, "It's not unusual!"
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him".
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What, because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really, really heavy".
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff ..... boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster - go for it."
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, my older Brother Colin, or my younger brother Ho-Chi-Chang?
But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bastard!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places".
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/22/2005 : 23:46:51
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An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
A cop pulls him over.
"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have ya been?"
"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms
across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughed a few times to get his attention, but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, "Ain't no use knockin; there's no paper on this side either."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/25/2005 : 00:59:07
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A Kiwi who was working on contract for 3 months in England, was drinking in a local pub in Warwick. He gets a call on his mobile phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, and announces his wife back home has just produced a typical baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Kiwi just shrugs, "That's about average in New Zealand. Like I said, my boy is a typical Kiwi baby boy."
Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Christ all mighty" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Kiwi returns to the bar. The bartender says "You're the father of that typical Kiwi baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh now?"
The proud father answers, "17 pounds."
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!"
The Kiwi father takes a long s-l-o-w swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says.............. "Had him circumcised, mate."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/25/2005 : 01:06:42
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A man boarded an aircraft at Heathrow and took his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! She took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said "Business. I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States".
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish!"
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name."
The man said, "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." |
Edited by - Sean on 10/25/2005 01:14:09 |
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 10/30/2005 : 16:00:31
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The George Bush Virus - Causes your computer to keep looking for viruses of
mass destruction.
The John Kerry Virus - Stores data on both sides of the disk and causes
little purple hearts to appear on screen.
The Clinton Virus - Gives you a permanent Hard Drive with NO memory
The Al Gore Virus - Causes your computer to keep counting and re-counting
The Bob Dole Virus - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy
The Lewinsky Virus - Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails
everyone about what it did
The Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus - Terminates some files, leaves, but will be
back
The Mike Tyson Virus - Quits after two bytes
The Oprah Winfrey Virus - Your 200 GB hard drive shrinks to 100 GB, then
slowly expands to re-stabilize around 350 GB
The Ellen DeGeneres Virus - Disks can no longer be inserted
The Prozac Virus - Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't
care
The Michael Jackson Virus - Only attacks minor files
The Lorena Bobbitt Virus - Re formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy
... then discards it through Windows
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E.L.F 
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 10/31/2005 : 01:16:54
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I've lost my electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."
A jump start lead walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry we don't servefood in here."
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:
"A beer please, and one for the road."
A man complains, "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That's the Tom Jones Syndrome," explains the doc. "Is it common?" asks the man. "It's Not Unusual," says the doc.
Two cows are standing in a field. Daisy says to Dolly,
"I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," said Dolly.
"It's true, no bull!" exclaimed Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at, either.
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there any thing you can do?" "Let's have a look at him." says the vet. So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "Just because he's cross-eyed?" asks the man. "No, because he's really heavy," says the vet.
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know - I cut off your arms!"
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in
the craft, it sank, proving that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "DAM!"
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
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Edited by - E.L.F on 10/31/2005 01:20:00 |
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 11/01/2005 : 17:03:22
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HOW TO STAY AWAKE IN MEETINGS:
OFFERED AS A PUBLIC SERVICE... Do you keep falling asleep in meetings and
seminars? What about those long and boring conference calls? Here's a way to
change all of that.
>
> 1. Before (or during) your next meeting, seminar, or conference call,
> prepare yourself by drawing a square. I find that 5" x 5" is a good size.
> Divide the card into columns--five across and five down. That will
> give you 25 one-inch blocks.
>
> 2. Write one of the following words/phrases in each block:
>
> * synergy
> * strategic fit
> * core competencies
> * best practice
> * bottom line
> * revisit
> * expeditious
> * to tell you the truth (or "the truth is")
> * 24/7
> * out of the loop
> * benchmark
> * value-added
> * proactive
> * win-win
> * think outside the box
> * fast track
> * result-driven
> * empower (or empowerment)
> * knowledge base
> * at the end of the day
> * touch base
> * mindset
> * client focus(ed)
> * paradigm
> * game plan
> * leverage
>
> 3. Check off the appropriate block when you hear one of those
> words/phrases.
>
>
> 4. When you get five blocks horizontally, vertically, or diagonally,
> stand up and shout "BULLSHIT!"
>
> Testimonials from satisfied "Bullshit Bingo" players:
>
> -- "I had been in the meeting for only five minutes when I won." -
> Adam W., Atlanta
>
> -- "My attention span at meetings has improved dramatically." - David
> T., Florida
>
> -- "What a gas! Meetings will never be the same for me after my first
> win." - Dan J., New York City
>
> -- "The atmosphere was tense in the last process meeting as 14 of us
> waited for the fifth box." - Ben G., Denver
>
> -- "The speaker was stunned as eight of us screamed 'BULLSHIT!' for
> the third time in two hours. The Bullshit Bingo Championship will be
> played at the next meeting." - Jim O., Portland
>
>
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/04/2005 : 03:38:59
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LAWS OF THE UNIVERSE
~ Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
~ Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
~ Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal.
~ Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tyre, the very next morning you will have a flat tyre.
~ Variation Law: If you change checkout lines or traffic lanes, the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now.
~ Bath Theorem: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
~ Law of Lines: When you walk IN the grocery store, there's never anyone in the checkout line.
~ Inverse Hair Dryer Law: You're sure you hear the phone ringing in the background, until you turn the hair dryer off.
~ Law of Close Encounters: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
~ Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.
~ Law of Bio mechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
~ Theater Law: At any event, the people whose seats are farthest from the aisle arrive last.
~ Law of Beverage: As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot tea, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the cup is cold.
~ Murphy's Law of Lockers: If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
~ Law of Natural Attraction: If you and your date are the only two on a five-mile stretch of beach, the family of five will set up right next to you.
~ Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets: The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
~ Law of Location: No matter where you go, there you are.
~ Law of Logical Argument: Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.
~ Oliver's Law: A closed mouth gathers no feet.
~ Law of the Last Word: "Hey, watch this!"
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 11/11/2005 : 04:29:52
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The Perfect Date (Windows Media File to download, 2.5 mb)
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Edited by - duh on 11/11/2005 04:32:10 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/14/2005 : 10:08:14
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Top 10 Funny and Top 10 Offensive religious jokes from Ship-of-Fools.com, it's a Christian humour site, but be warned, some of these are VERY bad taste!  
http://ship-of-fools.com/Features/2005/last_laugh.html
TOP 10 FUNNY JOKES
No. 10: The talking statue
A workman is doing work inside a church. He sees a little old Italian lady get down in front of a statue of Mary and start to pray.
The workman decides to have a little fun. He gets behind the statue of Jesus and loudly says, "Woman, get off your kness. Don't pray to her, pray to me!"
The little old Italian lady looks up at the statue of Jesus and says, "Shutup your mouth, I'm talking to your mother!"
No. 9: The Trinity's holiday
The Trinity were planning a holiday. The Spirit, manifesting the creative part of the divine nature, was coming up with the ideas. "Let's go to New York," he suggested.
"No, no, no," said the Father, "They're all so liberated, they'll spend the whole time calling me 'Mother' and it will just do my head in."
So the Spirit sat back and thought. "I know, what about Jerusalem?" he said. "It's beautiful and then there's the history and everything."
"No way!" the Son declared. "After what happened the last time, I'm never going there again!"
At this point, the Spirit got annoyed and went off in a huff. Sometime later he returned and found that the Father and Son had had a idea they both thought was excellent:
"Why don't we go to Rome?" said the Son.
"Perfect!" cried the Holy Spirit. "I've never been there before!"
No. 8: Jesus at the Pearly Gates
St Peter decides to take the day off to go fishing, so Jesus offers to keep an eye on the Pearly Gates. He is not sure what to do, so Peter tells him to find out a bit about people as they arrive in Heaven, and this will help him decide if he can let them in.
After a while, Jesus sees a little old man with white hair approaching who looks very, very familiar. He asks the old man to tell him about himself. The old man says, "I had a very sad life. I was a carpenter and had a son who I lost at a relatively young age, and although he was not my natural child, I loved him dearly."
Jesus welled up with emotion. He threw his arms around the old man and cried, "Daddy!"
The old man replied, "Pinocchio?"
No. 7: Secrets of the confessional
Michael took Kevin along with him to confession for moral support. Kevin waited in the pews while Michael approached the confessional.
"Forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah Michael," sighed the priest, "you have grieved the Holy Spirit. Tell me, was it Mary McCarthy?"
"I can't tell you, father," answered Michael, "I promised I wouldn't say, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, this is not what you have been taught by Mother Church. Was it Sinead O'Rourke?"
"I can't say, father, I promised I wouldn't, but forgive me, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
"Ah, Michael, your poor mother and father would be heartbroken to know this. I wonder, was it Philomena Donnelly?"
"I can't tell you, father, I promised, forgive me, I have been with a woman."
"Michael, my son, I harboured such high hopes for you when you were an altar boy. Tell me, was it Therese Murphy?"
"Father, I can't say, I promised, forgive me father, I have sinned, I have been with a woman."
The priest pronounced, "Michael, you must say 50 Our Fathers and 30 Hail Marys."
"Thank you, father," a relieved Michael acknowledged, and went back to the pews where his mate Kevin was waiting.
"Michael, Michael, what did the father say?"
"He gave me 50 Our Fathers, 30 Hail Marys and four good leads."
No. 6: The desperate man on a train
A man ran through a crowded train looking very agitated, calling out, "Is there a Catholic priest on board?"
When he got no reply, he ran back up the train shouting, "Is there an Anglican priest on board?" Still no reply.
By now becoming more desparate, he ran down the train shouting, "Is there a Rabbi on board?"
Eventually, a gentleman stood up and said, "Can I be of any assistance, my friend? I'm a Methodist minister."
The man looked at him and said, "No, you're no bloody good. I need a corkscrew!"
No. 5: The twelve priests
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally naked, while a beautiful, big-breasted nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his penis. They were told that anyone whose bell rang when the nude model danced in front of them would not be ordained, because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest.
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, he took a few steps forward and bent over to pick up the bell...
Then all the other bells started to ring.
No. 4: The four sinning nuns
Four nuns are standing in line at the gates of heaven. Peter asks the first if she has ever sinned.
"Well, once I looked at a man's penis," she said.
"Put some of this holy water on your eyes and you may enter heaven," Peter told her.
He then asked the second nun if she had ever sinned.
"Well, once I held a man's penis," she replied. "Put your hand in this holy water and you may enter heaven," he said.
Just then the fourth nun pushed ahead of the third nun.
"Why did you push ahead in line?" asked Peter.
"Because I want to gargle before she sits in it!" replied the nun.
No. 3: A problem in the convent
Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun at the back of the room, "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."
No. 2: Whoever is without sin
Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
To calm the situation, Jesus said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
Suddenly, an old lady at the back of the crowd picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head. The unfortunate young lady collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus looked over towards the old lady and said: "Do you know, Mother, sometimes you really piss me off."
No. 1: Man on a bridge
I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing on the edge, about to jump. I ran over and said: "Stop. Don't do it."
"Why shouldn't I?" he asked.
"Well, there's so much to live for!"
"Like what?"
"Are you religious?"
He said, "Yes."
I said, "Me too. Are you Christian or Buddhist?"
"Christian."
"Me too. Are you Catholic or Protestant?"
"Protestant."
"Me too. Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"
"Baptist."
"Wow. Me too. Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist Church of the Lord?"
"Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"
"Reformed Baptist Church of God."
"Me too. Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915?"
He said: "Reformed Baptist Church of God, Reformation of 1915."
I said: "Die, heretic scum," and pushed him off.
TOP 10 OFFENSIVE JOKES
No. 10: Calling for Jesus
An Indian man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.
"Yes, how can I help?" asks St Peter.
"I'm here to meet Jesus," says the Indian man.
St Peter looks over his shoulder and shouts, "Jesus, your cab is here!"
No. 9: A sign in the sky
Q: What's white and zips across the sky at 100 mph followed by a band of angels?
A: The coming of the Lord.
No. 8: Jesus and the motel
Jesus walks into a motel, throws a bag of nails on the counter and says, "Can you put me up for the night?"
No. 7: Picture of Jesus
What's the difference between real Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
No. 6: Adventure trip for boys
A Catholic priest, a Boy Scout leader and a lawyer take some boys out on an adventure trip. On the flight over, there is engine trouble and the plane is about to go down.
"We have a problem", says the pilot. "There are only three parachutes!"
The Boy Scout leader suggests they give them to the boys.
"Screw the boys!" shouts the lawyer.
"Is there time?" asks the priest.
No. 5: What do you give...
Q: What do you give a paedophile who has everything?
A: A bigger parish.
No. 4: Hitler at the Pearly Gates
Hitler walks up to the Pearly Gates and says to St Peter, "I'd like to come in."
St Peter: "Not likely!"
Hitler: I've repented and I've given back all the gold and treasures that I stole from the Jews, and I'm really sorry."
At that point, Jesus walks up and asks what's going on. St Peter: "It's Hitler here, he wants to come in."
Jesus: "Bugger off!"
Hitler: "No, it's true! To prove it, I've got a six foot solid gold cross I can't find the owner of. I could give that to you."
Now Jesus was partial to crosses, so he went to see God. Jesus: "Hey Dad, I've got Hitler outside and he wants to come in now he's repented."
God: "Tell him to piss off!"
Jesus: "But Dad, he's given back all the gold that he stole from the Jews - except for a six foot, solid gold cross he can't find the owner for. He says I can have it."
God: "And what do you want with a solid gold cross? You couldn't even carry a fuckin' wooden one!"
No. 3: Priest and pimple
What's the difference between a priest and a pimple?
A pimple waits until you're 13 before coming on your face.
No. 2: Following St Onan
Q: How does Jesus masturbate?
A: [Mime: place the palm of your hand over your groin, then move your hand away from and towards yourself, as if you were using the hole through your palm.]
No. 1: Boy on a cliff
A little boy is standing on top of a cliff, looking down at the sea and crying his eyes out. A priest approaches and says, "My child, why are you so upset?"
The little boy turns to him and says, "My mummy and daddy were in their car � and it just rolled over the cliff and smashed on the rocks down there."
The priest slowly looks around him while unbuttoning his cassock and says, "It's just not your day, is it?"
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Tori 
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 11/15/2005 : 17:19:39
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| I feel I should say something but I have absolutely no idea what to say. For once in my life I am speechless! |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/16/2005 : 08:03:19
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Subject: BIRD FLU
The US Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu virus (Avian Influenza A, H5N1 strain). If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:-
1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to shit on someone's windscreen.
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Cheese_Ed 
"The Provolone Ranger"
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Posted - 11/16/2005 : 16:29:25
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A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..."
He sighed................
"Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 11/18/2005 : 03:52:37
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> Subject: What Starts with F
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her
students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the
3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd
grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the
principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he
would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions
he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he
agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9."
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36."
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader
should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think
Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of ?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs."
Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: "Pockets."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants."
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval,
delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut."
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the
answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."
Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting
down and a dog does on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands."
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a
lot of heat and excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck."
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...... "
*****************************
Ah yes-- Sex with a Cowboy
Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to herco-workers
she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State:
1. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar-B-Que.
2. She wanted to take in a bona fide rodeo. And..
3. She wanted to have sex with a real cowboy.
Upon her return, the girls were curious as to how she fared.
"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a Mesquite and when
they slow cook that brisket over that Mesquite, it's ooooh so good. The
taste is unbelievable!
"And I went to a real rodeo. Talk about athletes...those guys wrestle full
grown bulls! They ride horses at a full gallop, then jump off the horses
and grab the bull by the horns and throw them to the ground! It is just
incredible!" They then asked,
"Well tell us, did you have sex with a real cowboy?"
"Are you kidding? When I saw the outline of the condom they carry in the
back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"
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Jokes
