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bennyr81 
"Poland here i come"
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 Posted - 09/21/2005 : 12:08:57
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just maybe change the last one as they have just opened a disneyland in hong kong!
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Corduroy Pillow 
"All puns intended"
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Posted - 09/22/2005 : 22:52:29
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quote:
Originally posted by Rockgolf!
quote:
Originally posted by Corduroy Pillow
Question: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
Answer: He really doesn't give a damn how people get out of New Orleans.
Hey! I had this first! Kinda.
Voted.
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E.L.F 
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 09/23/2005 : 22:25:59
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Quotes..
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."
Tiger Woods
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'."
Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams
" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
" Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
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Koli
"Striving lackadaisically for perfection."
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Posted - 09/24/2005 : 10:33:00
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Thanks, Elf. I have a speech to write, and these came just in time (unlike certain men, I hear you murmur). 
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Markandlain 
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 09/30/2005 : 10:50:53
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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was examine it.
Husband #10 was a microbiologist: all he ever did was scrap samples from down there and look at them under the microscope... God! I miss him! At least there was a little action going on down there. But now that I've married you, I'm more excited than I've ever been with any of my previous husbands!
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why are you so excited about me?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Al and Joe two guys are bungee jumping one day. Al says to Joe, "You know, we could make a lot of money renting our very own bungee-jumping service in Mexico. They don't have it down there."
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they'll need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, and all.
They travel down to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration to the large crowd below!
So Al jumps...........
Al bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Joe isn't able to catch him, and he goes down again, bounces, and comes back up.
This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time, he is pretty messed up. He's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe catches him this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, "No, the bungee cord was fine. It was the crowd. What the hell is a pinata?"
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Edited by - Markandlain on 09/30/2005 10:53:09 |
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 10/04/2005 : 18:07:45
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If you weren't offended before.. try this lot..
An adolescent is a person who acts like a baby when they aren't treated like an adult
An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: The older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
A neurotic is a man who builds a castle in the sky.
A psychotic is the man who lives in it.
And a psychiatrist collects the rent.
Antiques are things one generation buys, the next generation gets rid off, and the following generation buys at auction at amazing prices.
At age 20 we worry about what others think of us. At 40 we don't care what they think of us. At 60 we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.
Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
Bacteria: the only culture some people have.
Bad planing on your part does not necessarily constitute an automatic emergency on my part.
BIRTHDAY BELIEF SYSTEMS
Idealism: Happy Birthday.
Capitalism: I shopped all day for your birthday.
Atheism: I can't believe it's your birthday.
Taoism: It's everybody's birthday.
Buddhism: If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound?
Existentialism: Your birthday means nothing to me.
Sarcasm: You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.
Hinduism: Holy Cow! Is it your birthday?
Borrow money from pessimists.They don't expect it back.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Deja moo: The feeling that you've heard this Bull before !
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
Dieting is wishful shrinking.
Diplomacy -- the art of letting someone have your own way.
Doctor: "Ever had an accident?"
Rancher: "No."
Doctor: "Never had an accident in your whole life?"
Rancher: "Well, last spring I was out in the pasture and a bull tossed me over the fence."
Doctor: "And you don't call that an accident?"
Rancher: "No. I think the bull did it on purpose."
Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
Do you realize that in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Due to financial difficulties the light at the end of the tunnel has temporarily been switched off.
Engineer: a person who knows a great deal about very little and who goes along knowing more and more about less and less, until finally he knows practically everything about nothing.
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers
Fat people are harder to kidnap
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
Happiness is like peeing in your pants.
Everyone can see it, but no one feels the warmth as you do
Hymns appropriate to the occasion.
Dentist's Hymn -- "Crown Him with Many Crowns"
TV Weatherman's Hymn -- "Showers of Blessing"
Contractor's Hymn -- "The Church's One Foundation"
Tailor's Hymn -- "Holy, Holy, Holy"
Golfer's Hymn -- "There Is a Green Hill Far Away"
Politician's Hymn -- "Standing on the Promises"
IRS Hymn -- "All to Thee"
Gossiper's Hymn -- "Pass it On"
Electrician's Hymn -- "Send the Light"
Shopper's Hymn -- "Sweet By and By"
I almost had a psychic boyfriend, but he left me before we met.
I don't need your attitude I have one of my own.
I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not. (Alan Smithee)
If we are what we eat, you're fast, cheap and easy.
If you can keep your head while all about are losing theirs and blaming it on you - perhaps you have underestimated the seriousness of the situation.
I have never understood why women love cats. Cats are independent, they don't listen, they don't come in when you call, they like to stay out all night, and when they're home they like to be left alone and sleep. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
Imagination is intelligence having fun.
I refuse to engage in an intellectual battle with an unarmed man.
If I had never met you, I wouldn't like you;
If I didn't like you I wouldn't love you;
If I didn't love you I wouldn't miss you...
But I did, I do and I will.
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 10/06/2005 : 00:17:43
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Pets
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening.
They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother." A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed.
Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked.
I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car...
Satan.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Satan walked up to the man and said, "Do you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do." "Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked. "Nope, sure ain't." said the man. "Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?" asked Satan. "Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone. "Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan. "Yep," was the calm reply. "And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan. "Nope," said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "... Been married to your sister for 48 years."
Two old dears were out driving in a large car--both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to traffic lights. The lights were red, but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light".
After a few more minutes, they came to another set of traffic lights and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next set of lights.
At the next set, sure enough, the light was red and they went right through. So, she turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred, did you know you went through three red lights in a row... you could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said,...
"Oh shit, am I driving?"
Bats
A vampire bat came flapping in from the night, face all covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.
Pretty soon all the other bats could smell the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.
"OK, follow me", he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a huge forest
.Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him, tongues hanging out for blood.
"Do you see that large oak tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, YES!!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "Because I bloody didn't !!"
Subject: The F word
Top 10 times in History when the "F" word was appropriate..
10th - "Scattered ****ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the **** did you work that out?" - Pythagorus, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the ****ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those ****ing Indians come from?" - Custer,1877
6th - "It does so ****ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the **** are we?" - Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any ****ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the **** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a ****ing hole in the head!"
JFK,1963
And,.....drum roll........
The number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word..........
"Aw c'mon. Who the **** is going to find out?"- Bill Clinton, 1997
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 10/06/2005 : 01:01:34
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Elf, you reminded me of a sound file I heard years ago.
I just found it in a flash file.
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/fwordflash.html
WARNING: CONTAINS THE "F" WORD....A LOT.
A couple of my favourite sayings have come from this. 
"F**k the f**king f**ckers"
Go outside and play "Hide and go f**k yourself".
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Edited by - thefoxboy on 10/06/2005 01:04:47 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/06/2005 : 11:28:25
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Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed in an accident."
"Oh no!" the president exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sits, head in hands. Finally, the president looks up and asks..........
"How many is a Brazillion?"
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 10/10/2005 : 08:32:05
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Not technically a joke.. but I just recieved this email from a friend, and thought it was funny.
THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, " NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and
played golf a lot and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.
THE END
This is what I replied:-
Even Shorter Fairy Tale..
Guy asks girl to marry him, girl says "No, I have one arsehole in my underwear already, I don't need another.."
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Edited by - E.L.F on 10/10/2005 08:34:38 |
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 10/11/2005 : 06:48:22
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A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again. "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds. When he begins kicking his arms and legs, the preacher pulls him up and again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
Two boys are playing football at this park in a small town in Alabama when one of the boys is suddenly attacked by a crazed Rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, the other boy takes a stick and shoves it under the dog's collar, twists it, and breaks the dog's neck, thus saving his friend.
A local sports reporter who was strolling by sees the incident and rushes over to interview the boy. He tells the boy he's going to write the story and says, "I'll title it 'Young Bama Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal.'"
"But I'm not a Bama fan," the little hero replies. "Sorry, since we're in Alabama, I just assumed you were," says the reporter and he starts writing again. He asks "How does Auburn Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack' sound?"
"I'm not an Auburn fan either," the boy says. Oh, I thought everyone in Alabama was either for the Tide or the Tigers. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm just visiting my cousin, I'm a Tennessee Vols fan," said the boy.
The reporter smiles, starts a new sheet in his notebook, and writes:
"Little Redneck Bastard From Tennessee Kills Beloved Family Pet".
Get out your hanky and dry them tears----
This will warm your heart............... Just when you have lost faith in human kindness. Someone who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today!
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio won at your recent senior citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me.
God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen
to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna Walters
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 10/12/2005 : 11:22:06
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Sean, look away, everyone else read on.
A Nu Zullunder walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm, and says, "This is the pig I sleep with when you're not around."
His girlfriend turns around, looks at him, looks at the sheep, and says, "I'll think you'll find that's not a pig."
He says, "I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 10/12/2005 : 17:33:11
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quote:
Originally posted by mampers
When Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk, how come his trousers and underwear do not get ripped? Does he wear clown pants just before he gets angry? How come he does not get a wedgie?
That's a very good question. I'm glad you asked that question. Next question, please.
Actually, I think his pants and underwear are from the same kind of fabric as Superman's costume. Or perhaps when he the experiment altered his subcellular makeup, it also altered that of the underwear and pants. Why the underwear and pants and not the shirt? All I know is that Lois Lane must have had a titanium vagina.
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 10/16/2005 : 11:43:07
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A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But,as time went by,
the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate.
The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.
So one day the farmer called the sheriff's office and said,
"You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"
So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a
sign that said: SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers.The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So,again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put
up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer Wayland called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff,"Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"
The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the farmer do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling every day to complain.
The sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.
Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give the farmer a call."How's the problem with those drivers.Did you put up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then.I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself,"I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign.It might be something that we could use to slow down drivers in other areas..."
So the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house, and his jaw
dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of plywood:
"NUDIST COLONY"
**Go slow and watch out for the chicks**
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 10/16/2005 : 11:47:55
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I was emailed this from a friend in Australia...
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.
In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.
My relief was short-lived, as seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me!!!
Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I I reached for my wallet...... What could I do????
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
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Edited by - E.L.F on 10/16/2005 12:12:04 |
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Jokes
