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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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 Posted - 08/30/2005 : 05:45:41
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Edit:  (this could theoretically go on for ever, until everyone in the thread has deleted all their posts!) |
Edited by - Sean on 08/30/2005 09:56:02 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 08/30/2005 : 05:46:27
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WARNING! Politically incorrect bad-taste joke (inviso).
A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll.
"Would you like male of female?"
"Female, please."
"Would you like Black, or White?"
"White, please."
"Would you like Christian or Muslim?"
This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!"
"Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
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E.L.F 
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 08/30/2005 : 19:40:38
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With apologies to Sean.. ( don't look!)
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican,and because they are THE seven dwarfs,they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey Leads the pack.
"Dopey, my son, "says the Pope, "what can I do for you?"
Dopey asks, "Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
In the background a few of the dwarfs start giggling.Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back.
"Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers, "No,Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."
This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them, with an angry glare.
Dopey turns back and says, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"
"I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!"......
"Dopey screwed a penguin!".......
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Edited by - E.L.F on 08/30/2005 19:43:44 |
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 09/06/2005 : 10:31:09
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A bloke's wife went missing while holidaying on the Australian coast.
He spent a terrible night wondering what could have happened to
her.
Next morning there was a knock at the door and he was confronted
by a couple of pretty miserable policemen, the old Sarge and a
younger Constable.
The Sarge said: "Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately
some really bad news, but, some good news and maybe some really good
news."
"Well," says the bloke, "You'd better let me have it both barrels,
what's the bad news?"
The Sarge said, "I'm really sorry pal, but your wife is dead.
Young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead."
The bloke was naturally pretty distressed to hear this and had a
bit of a turn. After a few minutes he pulled himself together and asked what the good news was.
The sarge said, "Well when we got your wife up there were quite a
few really good sized crays and a swag of edible crabs in and around
her swimsuit, so we've brought you your share." And he handed the
bloke a bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
"Gee thanks," said the man. "They're bloody beaut... I guess it's
an ill wind and all that. Now, what's the really good news?"
"Well", the Sarge said, "Me and young Bill here get off duty at
around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
again!... You fancy comin' along?"
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 09/06/2005 : 19:57:43
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To Be 6 Again
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife turning
back and forth, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she'd like to have for her Birthday. I'd like to be six again, she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster,... everything there was. Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly
asked, "Well Dear, what was it like being six again??" Her eyes slowly opened and her _expression suddenly changed. "I meant my Dress Size, you dumb ass!!"
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is going to get it wrong!
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 09/12/2005 : 04:27:57
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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes."
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 09/13/2005 : 03:45:29
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty
badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."
The mortician thought that was rather strange.
Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body.
Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No,
it ain't Bubba."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two arseholes."
"What? He had two arseholes?!" said the mortician.
Yup, everyone knew he had two arseholes.
Every time we went to town, folks would say,
"Here comes Bubba with them two arseholes."
I just received this last week in an email, foxy.
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Corduroy Pillow 
"All puns intended"
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Posted - 09/17/2005 : 02:59:09
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A "morning smile" from one of today's newspapers:
Question: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
Answer: He really doesn't give a damn how people get out of New Orleans.
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 09/17/2005 : 03:08:12
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Laughed uproariously until CD wanted me to explain what it meant. 
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 09/18/2005 : 02:43:41
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A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he
notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to
look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to
the nearest town and stops at the first gas station. After
dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around
town.
He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in
Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the
spot. He gets a big bowl of vanilla ice cream and sits down
to eat. Having no hands, he makes real mess trying to eat
with his little flippers.
After finishing his ice cream, he
goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's
found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It
looks like you�ve blown a seal."
"No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream."
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bennyr81 
"Poland here i come"
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Posted - 09/18/2005 : 12:56:40
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Back in the days when sandels were the new black and the romans were the rulers of the world, a young lady in the middle-east was gettin abused for commiting adultery. Jesus appeared, protected her and said 'let he who hath not sinned cast the first stone'... this rock came flying through the air and hit the woman on the head.
Jesus turned around and said 'mum you don't half piss me off some time!
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 09/20/2005 : 09:45:10
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�HOW I MET MY WIFE� by JACK WINTER
(Published in the New Yorker magazine 25th of July 1994)
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was descript person, a woman in a state of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but when I knew I� have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito.
Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened.
And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn�t be peccable. Only towards and heard of behaviour would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a hero were slim. I was, after all something to sneeze at. Someone you could easily hold a candle to. Someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reasons, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads or tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible I felt capacitated __ as if this was something I was great shakes at ---and I forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times. So after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called for remarks, I started talking about the hors d�oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I mayed that she considered me a savory character who was up to some good.
She told me who she was. �What a perfect nomer�, I said advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. Bit I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal.
We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 09/20/2005 : 13:22:09
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That wasn't unexcellent. Not without the absence of negatives it wasn't not incoherent. 
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RockGolf
"1500+ reviews. 1 joke."
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Posted - 09/20/2005 : 14:26:10
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quote:
Originally posted by Corduroy Pillow
Question: What is George W. Bush's position on Roe vs. Wade?
Answer: He really doesn't give a damn how people get out of New Orleans.
Hey! I had this first! Kinda.
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 09/20/2005 : 21:00:55
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SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE!
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong"
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe."
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A northern fairy tale begins "Once upon a time..."
A southern fairy tale begins "Y'all ain't gonna believe this shit."
Why wasn't there a Disneyland in China?
No one was tall enough to go on the good rides..except the ex-pats, and tourists!)
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Edited by - E.L.F on 09/21/2005 16:19:14 |
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Jokes
