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mampers11 
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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 Posted - 08/01/2005 : 12:30:25
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More Bar Jokes
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here� and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."
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mampers11
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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Posted - 08/01/2005 : 14:01:45
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More Bar Jokes
This guy staggers into a bar and shouts, "A double whisky please barman, and a drink for everyone here� and while you're at it, have one yourself."
"Well thank you sir," says the barman and proceeds to pour everyone their drinks.
Moments later the guy shouts, "Another whisky for me, and the same again for everyone else."
The bartender looks a little worried now and says, "Excuse me sir, but don't you think you should pay me for that last round first?"
The guy slurs, "I can't. I don't have any money." With this the bartender flies into a rage and literally throws the guy out of the bar.
About twenty minutes later though the guy staggers back in and shouts out, "A double whisky for me, and a drink for all my friends."
"I suppose you'll be offering me a drink too?" the barman asks, marvelling at the guy's nerve.
"Not likely," slurs the guy, "you get nasty when you've had a drink!"
As a drunk guy staggers out of the bar one Friday evening, a fire engine races past, siren wailing and lights flashing.
Immediately, the drunk starts chasing the engine, running as fast as he can until eventually he collapses, gasping for breath.
In a last act of desperation he shouts after the fire engine,
"If that's the way you want it, you can keep your bloody ice creams!"
A guy walks into a bar and approaches the barman, "Can I have a pint of Less, please?"
"I'm sorry sir," the barman replies, looking slightly puzzled, "I've not come across that one before. Is it a spirit?"
"I've no idea," replies the guy, "The thing is, I went to see my doctor last week and he told me that I should drink less."
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff.
The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. "This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I'm not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch."
The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. "This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won't pay for this, and I insist on, a good, 12-year-old scotch." The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch.
An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, "What do you think of this?"
The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling "Why, this tastes like piss,"
The old drunk replies, "That's right, now tell me how old I am."
Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.
The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"
The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."
A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar slowly getting drunk. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened that is so horrible?" the man asked.
The farmer then decides to try an answer, "Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over."
"That's not so bad, what's the big deal?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So what happened?" the man asked again.
The farmer relenting, continued "I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over."
"Again?"
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
" So, what did you do then?" then man asked, intrigued.
"I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right. I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail."
"Wow, you must have been pretty upset!" but that's no reason to just sit here getting all depressed."
The farmer says, "Some things you just can't explain."
"So then what else did you do?" the man asked again.
"Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. That's when my pants fell down and my wife walked in. Some things you just can't explain." |
Edited by - mampers11 on 08/01/2005 14:34:11 |
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tortoise
"Still reviewing, but slowly."
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Posted - 08/01/2005 : 14:18:07
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| Nothing to see here, just need a light background for invisotext. |
Edited by - tortoise on 08/01/2005 14:20:07 |
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tortoise
"Still reviewing, but slowly."
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Posted - 08/01/2005 : 14:20:43
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Rude Word Alert - this joke is printed in glorious invisotext.
The junior school class has been on a field trip to the farm, and when the coach arrives back at the end of the day the head teacher is there to meet them.
"So, what did you see at the farm?" he asks.
"Oh, it was brilliant" says one child. "We saw hens..."
"... and sheep..." adds another
"... and pigs..."
"... and fuckers!" finishes the first child triumphantly.
"I beg your pardon?" says the head, shocked and bewildered.
"We saw fuckers!" repeats the child.
"I don't think that's right" splutters the head diplomatically, "what did they look like?"
"Well, they were brown, with four legs, pink udders and went moo."
Now the head teacher gets cross. "Don't be so cheeky, lad. That's quite obviously a cow."
"No sir," protests the boy, "they were definitely fuckers, that's what the farmer said. Well, he called them effers, but we knew what he really meant."
This is allegedly closely based on a true story 
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 08/01/2005 : 14:31:21
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quote:
Originally posted by sbudgie
Rude Word Alert - this joke is printed in glorious invisotext.
This is allegedly closely based on a true story
Warning: reminisce ahead.
One time when I was a kid, and my mom had all the kids from my 4-H club out to visit, a little boy came running up to my mom, very concerned about one of my horses.
"There's a board hanging from the horse's stomach!" he said.
My mom, very worried, started to go check on the horse, then she thought of something. "Oh! Billy, the horse is OK. He's a boy horse!"
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Edited by - duh on 08/01/2005 14:31:40 |
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 08/03/2005 : 02:35:12
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WIFE:� "What would you do if I died?� Would you re-marry?
HUSBAND:� "Definitely not!"
WIFE:� "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND:� "Of course I do."
WIFE:� "Then why wouldn't you re-marry?"
HUSBAND:� "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE:� "You would?" (with a hurtful look on her face).
HUSBAND:� (Makes audible groan).
WIFE:� "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND:� "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE:� "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND:� "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE:� "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND:� "I guess so."
WIFE:� "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND:� "No, she's left handed."
WIFE:� (silence)---
HUSBAND:� "Oh, Shit."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 08/03/2005 : 02:39:41
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Dilbert Quotes
HERE ARE THE TOP TEN FINALISTS:
1. "As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards.
Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks."
(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp. in Redmond, WA.)
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2. "What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter."
(Lykes Lines Shipping)
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3. "E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business."
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)
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4. "This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it."
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)
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5. "Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)
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6. "No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! They've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them."
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing / 3M Corp.)
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7. Quote from the Boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say."
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)
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8. My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me."
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)
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9. "We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees."
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)
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10. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!"
(Hallmark Cards executive)
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 08/03/2005 : 14:17:08
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Helpful advice to men:
WORDS WOMEN USE
FINE
this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.
FIVE MINUTES
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
NOTHING
this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine"
GO AHEAD
this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a nonverbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"
THAT'S OKAY
this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
THANKS
a woman is thanking you. Do not question it or faint. Just say you're welcome.
Oh, and before we forget...
"Whatever"
...it's a woman's way of saying *!#@ YOU!
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Edited by - Stalean on 08/03/2005 14:20:15 |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 08/04/2005 : 02:09:16
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Here's another good one
and...
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff's Deputy. He
thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a
better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at
the deputies expense...
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign ."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and
registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop,
that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and
stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket,
if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the deputy takes out
his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the
lawyer and says: "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"
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Edited by - Stalean on 08/04/2005 04:23:42 |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 08/11/2005 : 15:38:00
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Written by a man:
As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will not lay next to you in bed and ask, "What are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think.
If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting.
A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be self-assured as to who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a damn what you might think about her or what she's doing.
Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it.
Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it's like to be unappreciated.
A woman over 40 has the self-assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her (besides, they have their own excess baggage to handle).
Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. She always knows.
A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women or drag queens.
Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart.
Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk or if you are acting like one! You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her.
Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. nfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year-old waitress. Ladies, I apologize.
For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free." Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage: Why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 08/11/2005 : 18:55:27
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This one's for Tori...
WOMEN'S ASS SIZE STUDY
There is a new study out about women and how they feel about their asses!
I thought the results were pretty interesting:
85% of women think their ass is too fat.
10% of women think their ass is too skinny.
The other 5% say that they don't care, they love him, he's a good man,
and they would have married him anyway.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 08/23/2005 : 23:41:44
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WARNING! Seriously bad-taste joke!
Two Middle-Eastern mothers are sitting in the cafe chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the two pulls her bag out and starts flipping through pictures and they start reminiscing.
"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"
"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully. "He's a martyr now, though" mum confides.
"Oh so sad dear," says the other.
"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21."
"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born."
"He's a martyr, too," says mum quietly.
"Oh gracious me," says the other.
"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18," she whispers.
"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically. "I remember when he first started school."
"He's a martyr, also" says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says................
"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
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bife 
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 08/29/2005 : 21:09:20
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Apologies in advance, especially to shoon. But I thought it was funny
Tornado Appeal
A Tornado Hit Birmingham last week causing widespread damage. Casualties were seen wandering aimlessly saying 'bang out of order', 'mental' and 'that did my head in'.
The Tornado decimated the area causing in excess of �7.55 worth of damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from Ibiza and Corfu were damaged beyond repair. Three preserved areas of historic burned out cars were destroyed. Many locals were woken before their Giro's arrived.
One resident, Tracey Sharon Smith, a 15 year old mother of four said "It was such a shock. Little Chardonnay-Leigh came running into my bedroom crying and my hands were shaking that much I could hardly skin up whilst I was watching Trisha".
The British Red Cross has so far managed to send 4000 crates of Sunny Delight to the area to help with the crisis. Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found numerous 'Elizabeth Duke' sovereigns, benefit books, bone china from Pound Land and Argos catalogues. However they have not managed to save any furniture from Crazy George's as yet.
How can you help?
This appeal hopes to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those unfortunate enough to be caught up in the disaster. Clothing is most sought after. Urgently needed are LaCoste tracksuits (his and hers preferably), white socks, Burberry caps, woolly Benny hats and Reebok trainers.
Food parcels are also needed. They include McCain's Micro-chips, Aldi Beans, Monster Munch and Iceland Pizzas. Alcohol is also in short supply, especially White lightening Cider and Carlsberg Special Brew. Cash Donations are also needed. 22p buys a Bic Biro for signing on, �2.50 buys a jumbo sausage dinner, �3.00 buys a blag CD (not an original copy), �20 buys a fake M.O.T (or 10 gallons of red diesel with which to burn the vehicle out) and �26.00 buys 200 Regal from Tommo who has just got back from Kavos.
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Edited by - bife on 08/29/2005 21:10:54 |
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 08/29/2005 : 22:34:28
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No apologies needed, bife. That describes exactly the kind of people who live here. Bane of my life. 
PS I don't drink Sunny Delight. Otherwise...  
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E.L.F 
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 08/29/2005 : 22:35:53
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Some facts of life..
Nobody will ever win the Battle Of The Sexes - there's too much fraternizing with the enemy!
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore like an idiot.
Don't worry about the world ending today.. It's already tomorrow in Australia ( if you are in Australia start worrying!)
Outside of a dog, a book is Man's Best Friend - Inside of a dog it's too dark to read!
Character is what you are.
Reputation is what other people think you are.
Drive Carefully - it's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker!
A loser is a window cleaner on the 44th floor who steps back to admire his handiwork.
Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
There is always one more imbecile that you counted on.
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesnt understand two things :
1- Women, 2- Fractions.
Learning Computer terms..
" 486"
The typical IQ needed to understand any PC.
" State of the Art"
Any computer you can't really afford but your wife doesnt want you to buy. [ NOTE; See Nanosecond, Obsolete,Syntax Error and GHZ]
" Obsolete"
The term describing any computer you have recently purchased.[ See Nanonsecond]
"Nanosecond"
The time it takes for your "State of the Art" computer to become "Obsolete."
"G4"
Apples' new line of Macintosh computers that make you say 'Gee, that's 4 times faster than the Macintosh computer I bought for over twice that price a mere "nanosecond" ago.'[note See Obsolete]
"Syntax Error"
Walking into any pc store and saying 'Hello, I would like to buy the fastest computer you have, and Money is no object!'
"Hard Drive"
The often used sales tatctic by commission based computer salesmen, commonly seen immediately after someone has made a "Syntax Error"
"GHZ" - pronounced Giga-Hurts.
The new physical/mental condition that occurs the "Nanosecond" after you have bought the "State of the Art" computer.Which , of course happened after making the aforementioned "Syntax Error", and listened to the salesmans' "Hard Drive."
5 kinds of Sex.
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens in the first stages of your relationship period, when you both keep doing it until you are blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is just after the beginning of the relationship, when you'll have sex anytime, anyplace, anywhere, even in the kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, you need a bit more privacy, so you have to do it in the bedroom.
4) the Fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say * F*ck you!*
5) There is also a Fifth kind of sex. Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front everyone in the courtroom.
Evils of Drinking..
The director of a local AA meeting decided that he would actually show his new group the evils of drinking.
On the table before him he popped down a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
"Observe!" he told them.. and dropped a worm in the glass of water. The worm swam around, happy as could be.
Next, he says " Now watch THIS!" and puts a worm in the glass of whiskey.
It swam for a moment, then started to shake and writhe.. seconds later it fell to the bottom of the glass, Dead.
"Now," he asked, "What lesson can we learn from this experiment?"
"Oh, That's easy," came a reply from the back of the room. " Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
p.s Hahahaha, Sean !!! |
Edited by - E.L.F on 08/30/2005 07:01:54 |
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Jokes
