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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
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 Posted - 07/10/2005 : 16:08:01
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quote:
Originally posted by E.L.F
Crude, but Funny.. Be Warned!
AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
For some bizarre reason, I got the biggest kick out of this particular one. ROTFLMAO! 
From the woman's point of view:
Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both, You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Woman: Do Not Enter.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
Man: Your body is like a temple.
Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing. |
Edited by - Stalean on 07/11/2005 04:52:23 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/11/2005 : 05:12:48
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilized.
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mampers11 
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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Posted - 07/11/2005 : 18:10:34
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Another Bar Joke Guys
So these three pieces of string walks into a pub. The first piece of string says to the bartender "Can I have a pint of Guiness?" The bartender shakes his head and says to the string "Sorry mate. But we dont serve pieces of string here mate. You better leave" So the first string leaves. The second string gets hold of what just happened, quickly goes to the toilet and gets a pair of shades and a trilby hat from his bag he was carrying. When he dons his attire, he walks back to the bar and says "Can I have a vodka and orange please?" The bartender looks at this string and takes his glasses off and hat off, and says "Sorry guv. But you are a piece of string. You know the rules. Get out!" So the third string saw this, walks into the toilet, ruffles his hair until it is messy and and ties himself in the middle. He then walks back to the bar and says "Bottle of Miller please, mate". The bartender looks at him and says, "You are a piece of string, ain't ya" The string replies "Sorry mate, I am afraid not" (fraid knot)
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/13/2005 : 02:42:21
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The BEST Chocolate Story ever!
It was a White Knight, and Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree were on a River cruise, they met on the Top Deck, It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street; he was an Old Jamaican. They walked hand in hand down Milky Way and around the Family Block.
They stopped in at the Mars Bar, he had a Rum & Butter and she had a Wine Gum. She asked if he could pass her a Coaster, He said "Sure...Take 5 ". They decided to leave as the music was too loud, & neither of them liked M&M.
On the way out he bought her some Roses, She said they were her Favourites. They walked down to his sports car, it was a Red Ferrero. He made some small talk, and tried to make out like he was a Smartie.
She spoke a little but didn't say much as she didn't want to Polly Waffle on. He suggested they should go somewhere quiet. She said "If you play your cards right you might get lucky after tea." He replied, "After Dinner?.. Mint!" At this point he knew she was Cherry Ripe!
He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole", she said. "And I'm the one with the Nuts", he thought. Then he touched her Milky Bars, they felt Smooth & Creamy. He thought to himself, they'll definitely melt in your mouth & not in your hand. He told her that he had a King Size Bar, but she thought he might just be telling Fantales.
They checked into a Motel and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand down into her Snickers and felt her Kit Kat. She started to play with his Fruit & Nuts, but then she said "Stop!" He thought she was a Malteaser, but he still wanted to Jaff-er. So he showed her his Curly Wurly. Ms Rowntree wasn't keen to have any more Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He thought this was Fantastic as he always fancied a bit of Fudge.
It was a Magic Moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight. When he finished, his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted Moro but he needed to take Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising... so he did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet and gave her a Gob Stopper. He was exhausted, so he rolled over for a Flake.
Unfortunately Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had been with All Sorts!! |
Edited by - Sean on 07/13/2005 02:45:46 |
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mampers11
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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Posted - 07/18/2005 : 14:24:54
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Homer Simpson's Words of Wisdom
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Who are you? Why am I here? I want answers now or I want them eventually!
Because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!
That's it! You people have stood in my way long enough. I'm going to clown college!
You know those balls that they put on car antennas so you can find them in the parking lot? Those should be on every car!
Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex! It's also the food preparation.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces, I just know they're about to jab me with something.
America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well...all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
It's like something out of that "twilighty" show about that zone.
Whenever Marge turns on one of her "non-violent" programs, I take a walk. I go to a bar, I pound a few, then I stumble home in the mood for love...
It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.
English? Who needs that? I'm never going to England!
Oh no! What have I done? I smashed open my little boy's piggy bank, and for what? A few measly cents, not even enough to buy one beer. Wait a minute, lemme count and make sure...not even close!
Or what? You'll release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouth and when they bark they shoot bees at you?
You're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!
Well, let's just call them, uh, Mr. X and Mrs. Y. So anyway, Mr. X would say, 'Marge, if this doesn't get your motor running, my name isn't Homer J. Simpson.'
I know what you're saying, Bart. When I was young, I wanted an electric football machine more than anything else in the world, and my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. Well, goodnight!
Apu, you got any Skittle Brau? Never mind, just give me some Duff and a pack of Skittles.
You'll have to speak up, I'm wearing a towel.
Mmmmmm - 52 slices of American cheese.
Hey, I asked for ketchup - I'm eatin' salad here!
When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy".
I think Mr. Smithers picked me for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.
Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!
I'm trying to fix your mother's camera. Easy, easy - Hmmm. I think I need a bigger drill.
You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is 'never try'.
Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Like this Bible. It cost 15 bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner! Except this guy.
Here's to alcohol - the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.
God bless those pagans.
Don't let Krusty's death get you down, boy. People die all the time, just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow! Well, good night!
If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now, quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers!
You couldn't fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy.
I'm a white male, age 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me, no matter how dumb my suggestions are.
All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.
Woo hoo! 350 dollars! Now I can buy 70 transcripts of Nightline!
Oh, people can come up with statistics to prove anything. 14% of people know that.
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
I hope I didn't brain my damage!
We'll die together, like a father and son should.
Let us celebrate this agreement with the adding of chocolate to milk.
We're gonna get a new TV. Twenty-one inch screen, realistic flesh tones, and a little cart so we can wheel it into the dining room on holidays!
First you don't want me to get the pony, then you want me to take it back. Make up your mind!
Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and... um... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer.
Now what is a wedding? Well, Webster's dictionary describes a wedding as the process of removing weeds from one's garden.
Now, Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.
You can't go wrong with cocktail weenies. They look as good as they taste. And they come in this delicious red sauce. It looks like ketchup, it tastes like ketchup, but brother, it ain't ketchup!
I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called "The Bus That Couldn't Slow Down."
I don't have to be careful, I've got a gun!
I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!
Oh, they have Internet on computers now.
Marge I swear, I never thought that you would find out.
Shut up, brain, or I'll stab you with a Q-Tip!
I am so smart, I am so smart, S M R T, I mean S M A R T.
I'm not gonna lie to you, Marge. See ya soon!
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/23/2005 : 04:26:06
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Jokes for women. 
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My boyfriend, not happy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a f@#$&%g big red mark on his forehead. Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!
A couple are lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour.
He said, �Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you really badly�.
She said, �Well, you've certainly succeeded�.
He said, 'Shall we try swapping positions tonight?'
She said, 'What a good idea.....you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart'.
He said, 'What have you been doing with all the grocery money that I gave you?'
She said, 'Turn sideways and look in the mirror you fat bastard'.
Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
A: 45 minutes.
Q: What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
A: Through his chest.
Q: Why do men want to have sex with virgins?
A: They can't stand criticism.
Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A: Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q: What makes men chase women if they have no intention of marrying?
A: The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Q: What do you do if you see a man running around with half a head?
A: Reload and try again!
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 07/25/2005 : 10:01:47
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Another bar joke
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 07/25/2005 : 10:38:26
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quote:
Originally posted by Markandlain
Another bar joke
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings."
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate."
 
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mampers11
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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Posted - 07/25/2005 : 12:04:58
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Ramblings of a mad man which is me
Why is a ruler called a ruler? Is it's monarchy the pencil case? Was he born as the ruler, or was there a democracy to vote him in. Is there a class system in the pencil case?
When Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk, how come his trousers and underwear do not get ripped? Does he wear clown pants just before he gets angry? How come he does not get a wedgie?
Sorry, just crazy musings by me
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 07/25/2005 : 12:41:46
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quote:
Originally posted by mampers
Ramblings of a mad man which is me
Why is a ruler called a ruler? Is it's monarchy the pencil case? Was he born as the ruler, or was there a democracy to vote him in. Is there a class system in the pencil case?
When Bruce Banner turns into the Hulk, how come his trousers and underwear do not get ripped? Does he wear clown pants just before he gets angry? How come he does not get a wedgie?
Sorry, just crazy musings by me
He does get a wedgie, that is what keeps his anger going.
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 07/26/2005 : 06:09:10
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A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing a rectal exam:
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!"
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, Now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/26/2005 : 07:05:11
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bife 
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 07/28/2005 : 19:40:40
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I'm hoping i) this isn't too tasteless, and ii) we have no French reviewers:
French raise their terror alert level
Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has
raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide.
The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France's
white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military .
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Edited by - bife on 07/28/2005 19:41:30 |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 07/29/2005 : 07:28:01
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How can you possibly not love the Irish?
Actual "Personal ads" in the
Dublin News:
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork Area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and has been known to starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fianc�e, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
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Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shitty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed
supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/29/2005 : 08:50:48
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I think I'll have to forward this to my many Irish relatives.
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Jokes
