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Markandlain 
"Lacking in four sight"
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 Posted - 05/20/2005 : 11:02:34
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Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are comparing stories on how they died.
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive!
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 05/30/2005 : 09:17:41
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I heard this one from GHcool. I corrected the spelling though. 
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: He wiped his arse.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 06/01/2005 : 05:22:04
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It's a good batch this month from www.iusedtobelieve.com , so thought I'd post it here.
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I used to believe that there was a magical ingredient in birthday cakes that allowed you to age another year, and that's why you had to eat it.
Sean
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I used to believe that kings or queens used a brand new spoon for every bite of food. I would count how many bites I took at dinner and try to calculate how many spoons the Queen would need to eat dinner. And then how many spoons she would use in a day! I still am not totally positive this isn't true.
Anon
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When I was young my father told me that it was his job to pull the MGM Lion's tail and make him roar. I believed that for years and even bragged to my friends about it.
Raised in the 60's
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I used to believe that Mt. Rushmore was a natural phenomenon.
LauraBee
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I used to have this fear that my parents would only take care of me for a short while longer, like until 12 years of age, and then give me away as slave labor, though they were always very caring parents.
MS
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As a child (and, if I'm brutally honest, as a young adult) I used to believe that Sigourney Weaver was an aristocratic British actor: Sir Gornay Weaver.
Ria C
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I used to think that my grandparents were a lonely old couple that used to come and visit my family because they had no children of their own.
Anon
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When I was 6, my older sister told my younger brother that the rabbit droppings that we found in our back yard were Cocoa-Puffs. He learned the truth the hard way.
Jeff
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My father had an invisible jelly-bean tree in our backyard. Only he could find it, at night, and pick the beans. My brother and I were so upset when we found the bag of jelly beans one year when we were looking for Christmas presents.
Hannah
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When I was younger I used to believe that when I was asleep my clothing danced and played all night until morning. I would look through the cracks in my closet to try and see them dance!
veneta
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When I was very young, I thought when someone mentioned piggy banks that they meant keeping money in real pigs. I thought, "No way I'm keeping my money in some pig!" I decided the safest place was myself. My mother soon enlightened me after finding me with a mouthful of pennies.
hydramine
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When I was a kid I loved to eat onion rings, until I realized that they were made with onions.
Beth P�rssinen
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When I was young I could never figure out why I couldn't see the bunnies in the river. My parents would always look at the river and comment about how fast the rabbits were (rapids).
Pat
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I used to believe that Alice Cooper and Alice from "Alice in Wonderland" were the same person.
Jessica Tinch
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I used to think that an air guitar was a real instrument. I though it was a guitar powered by air.
Amanda
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When I was little, I heard some kind of commercial that mentioned a "menstrual cycle". I got very excited because I thought it was some kind of bicycle. First you ride a tricycle, then training wheels, then a two wheeler, then a menstrual cycle. I soon learned the truth when I asked my dad for a "menstrual cycle" for my birthday at age 9.
Lara
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I used to believe that mirrors reflected everything, so if you threw a rock at a mirror it would bounce off leaving the mirror unscathed.
emdeeme
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Diana, Princess of Wales, was a confusing title to a seven year old girl. Unaware that Wales was part of the UK, I thought she was princess of the big, underwater mammals. I wanted to be Princess of Dolphins.
Xornia
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I used to believe that the date stamped on soda cans saying "For best taste, drink by..." meant that the beverage would taste best on that exact date. I tried saving a can of Coke for about 2 years so that I could savor the "best taste." I thought this applied to milk as well, and learned the hard way that it didn't.
Jong
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Due to a father's brief history lesson one cold night, I firmly believed that the next Ice Age was going to happen overnight, with continent-sized glaciers at my door when I left for school one morning.
Amanda
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If you've got a belief to add, go to
http://iusedtobelieve.com/add/
If you're not on the mailing list but would like to be, sign up at http://iusedtobelieve.com/subscribe_form.php
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 06/25/2005 : 03:40:22
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Almost married man
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.......her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her older sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car!
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 06/25/2005 : 03:43:27
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WARNING! SICK JOKE!
COMA
A woman lay in a coma in the hospital while nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of her coma." The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat-lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses rushed into the room. "What happened?" they cried.
The hubby said, "I guess she choked."
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duh 
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 06/25/2005 : 04:02:24
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quote:
Originally posted by Sean
The hubby said, "I guess she choked."
ooooooh!  ROTLMAO
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bife 
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 06/26/2005 : 08:03:14
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Some examples of why the human race has probably evolved as far as possible. These are actual instruction labels on consumer goods...
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! you lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(hmm...something must have gotten lost in the translation...)
On a string of Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(somebody got paid big bucks to write this one...)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
(Raise your hand if you've tried this...)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(Oh go ahead! That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief.)
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shoon
"Five(ish?) years as a fwiffer"
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Posted - 06/26/2005 : 17:07:47
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I actually feel ill after laughing so much bife. 
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E.L.F 
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 07/09/2005 : 17:27:08
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Crude, but Funny.. Be Warned!
AUSTIN POWERS PICKUP LINES
I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Superdrug, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.
(He looks down at his crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?
F**k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is ( recite name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.
Hi. The voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
My name isn't Elmo, but you can tickle me anytime you want to.
I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
Baby, I'm an American Express lover...you shouldn't go home without me.
Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???
Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.
I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.
(Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
And should you ever be on the recieving end of any of the above, the response is...
I have One Arsehole in my underwear already- I don't need another.
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Bernie 
"4 words?! That's hard!"
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Posted - 07/09/2005 : 17:43:43
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A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve food here."
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mampers11
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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Posted - 07/09/2005 : 23:21:21
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So a man walks into a bar and he orders 10 whisky chasers. He Pays the bartender and he places his drink in a line. He drinks the first one, leaves the second one, drinks the third one, leaves the forth one, drinks the fifth one, leaves the sixth one, drinks the seventh one, leaves the eighth one, drinks the ninth one and leaves the tenth one. The bartender is perplexed and he said
"Why did you order ten drinks but only drank five of them@
The man said,
"Well my doctor told me I could have an odd drink or two"
Not funny but i dont care
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 07/10/2005 : 00:34:57
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quote:
Originally posted by mampersistheman
So a man walks into a bar and he orders 10 whisky chasers. He Pays the bartender and he places his drink in a line. He drinks the first one, leaves the second one, drinks the third one, leaves the forth one, drinks the fifth one, leaves the sixth one, drinks the seventh one, leaves the eighth one, drinks the ninth one and leaves the tenth one. The bartender is perplexed and he said
"Why did you order ten drinks but only drank five of them@
The man said,
"Well my doctor told me I could have an odd drink or two"
Not funny but i dont care
Funny enough for me.
Just like a whack of your reviews I just voted on 
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E.L.F
"Me, nice Elf, aye."
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Posted - 07/10/2005 : 01:24:37
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1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/10/2005 : 12:24:07
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Non-rugby followers need read no further.....
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The Lions rugby practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.
The coach immediately suspended practice while police and forensic investigators were called to investigate.
After a complete analysis, investigating forensic experts determined that the white substance unknown to players was the try line.
Practice was resumed after special agents decided the team was unlikely to encounter the substance again.
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The Lions coach takes the Team out for a training run and first up he tells everyone to assume their normal position. So they all go and stand behind the goalposts and wait for the conversion.
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The Lions are making available a help-line for fans who are disappointed with their team's recent performance.
The help-line number is: 0800 10 10 10
That's 0800 won nothing won nothing won nothing.
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What is your wife trying to tell you if she's wearing a Lions shirt in bed?
You ain't gonna score - ever.
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Osama bin Laden has appeared on Al-Jazeera TV this morning to quell rumours of his death in an explosion in Pakistan yesterday. To prove that the appearance was not pre-recorded, Osama stated that he: "Watched the rugby on Saturday and the Lions were crap."
UK and US government officials have dismissed the report saying it could have happened any time over the last 6 weeks.
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There are only 2 man-made things that can be seen with the naked eye from space...
The first one is the Great Wall of China, and right on it's heels is the gap in the Lions defence.
************************************************************
What is the difference between the Lions and an arsonist?
An arsonist wouldn't waste that many matches.
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Edited by - Sean on 07/10/2005 12:26:41 |
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mampers11
"Lazy Lebowski Loses Rug"
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Posted - 07/10/2005 : 14:47:03
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A rabbit walks into a bar and said to the bartender
"Do you have any carrots?" The bartender said "No I dont, I only sell beer here mate."
So the rabbit leaves the bar, but he comes again the next day and asks the same questions to the bartender. The same reply is given to the rabbit. So this rabbit continued this questions every day he went to the bar. This really pissed off the bartender, and told the rabbit
"If you ask me again about the carrots, I will get a piece of rope and hang you"
The rabbit leaves, a little bit frightened. But he comes back the next day and says
"Bartender, do you have any rope?"
"No I dont have any rope"
"Ok then," says the rabbit, "Do you have any carrots then?"
Rubbish Joke, but it is a bar joke.
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Jokes
