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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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 Posted - 04/21/2005 : 12:34:59
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Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quits working so she calls a repairman.
Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. Oh, by the way, don't worry about my Bull Dog, he won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
When the repair man arrives at Mrs. Davidson's apartment the next day, he discovers the biggest and meanest Bull Dog he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his business. The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Always remember your instructions, and have a good day.
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duh 
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 05/01/2005 : 17:53:21
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I now feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
>
>Because...
>1... I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet
stains.
>2... I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make
these
>products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.
>3... I no longer drink anything out of a can because I will get sick
from
>the rat feces and urine.
>4... I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes
cancer.
>5... I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could
be
>pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
>6... I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a
>water buffalo on a hot day.
>7... I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me
with a
>perfume sample and rob me.
>8... I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are
>actually
>Al Qaeda in disguise.
>9... I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't
support
>our
>American troops.
>10... I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to
dial a
>stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with
calls to
>Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
>11... I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually
horrible
>mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
>12... I no longer date the opposite sex because they will take my
kidneys
>and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.
>13... I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I
now
>have
>their recipe.
>14... I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
>looking
>out for me and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
>15... I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward
an
>e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
>17... I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl
who is
>about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).
>18... I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I
>receive
>the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating
in
>their
>special e-mail program.
>Yes, I thank all who have send me all these warnings. I now return
the
>favor. If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the
next
>60
>seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will crap on your head at 5:00 PM
this
>afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a
friend
>of a
>friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend of
my
>next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's 8th husband's 2nd cousin's
3rd
>husband's
>ex-wife's mother's tennis instructor.
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 05/01/2005 : 18:54:24
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This is my own ending for your email joke, duh...
19... I no longer use the toilet because a deadly Arachnius gluteus ("butt spider") hides under toilet seats and will bite me on my ass rendering me lifeless.
Due to this last unfortunate circumstance, this is a notification of my demise. Please remove me from your email address book, immediately.
 
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bife 
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 05/01/2005 : 20:55:25
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quote:
Originally posted by Conan the Dunny
The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store
My favourite card had a mummy zebra talking to her son, saying something like, "I'm sorry, we can't afford a new Arsenal shirt. You'll just have to support Newcastle like all your brothers"
Okay, maybe crap, but it appealed to me!
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/02/2005 : 03:19:49
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WARNING>>>>>>DIRTY JOKE BELOW
Do not blame me if you read the inviso text below.
Had to share, it is a good one
LAST WARNING
A guy goes to a doctor, he says "You got to help me Doc. I get up in the morning and I fuck my wife, then I carpool to work with my neighbour�s wife and she blows me! Then I get to work and every time I go to the Xerox room, one of the young girls follows me in, so I fuck her on the Xerox machine. Then at lunchtime I take my secretary to a motel and fuck her in the arse, cause that's how she likes it. Then in the afternoon at the coffee break I fuck the boss's wife. Then I get home from work before my wife, and the housekeeper is there, she is always on all fours, so I bang her that way. Then at night I fuck my wife again."
The doctor says "So what's the problem?"
"It hurts when I jerk off."
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Edited by - thefoxboy on 05/02/2005 03:21:44 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 05/02/2005 : 03:21:14
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 05/02/2005 : 05:11:00
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quote:
Originally posted by Sean
How come no text shows up when I drag my cursor over Sean's post???
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Kruegerbait
"Not known as Joss"
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Posted - 05/02/2005 : 11:45:38
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Q. How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A. A fish.
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/02/2005 : 22:04:15
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It found it summed me up very accurately.
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bife
"Winners never quit ... fwfr ... "
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Posted - 05/02/2005 : 22:53:09
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quote:
Originally posted by duh, TOUR Kansas?
I scored 99% ! 
Test Your Coolness
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brandall 
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Posted - 05/05/2005 : 05:34:48
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quote:
Originally posted by MguyX
I got this in an email today. I do not affirm the veracity of the quotes, but I thought they were funny.
Brain Cramps
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss U.S.A. contest.
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"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff."
-- Mariah Carey, singer
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,"
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for the Federal Anti-smoking Campaign.
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"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,"
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky Basketball Forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,"
-- Marion Barry, Mayor of Washington, D.C.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the President."
-- Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-- A U.S. congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
-- Danny Ozark, manager of Philadelphia Phillies
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
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"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another"
-- George W. Bush, U.S. President
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-- former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
``````! ````
"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-- former president of American Motors, Lee Iacocca
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"I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version."
-- Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."
-- Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback &! sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people."
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
-- former U.S.. President Bill Clinton,
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"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
-- former U.S. Vice President Al Gore
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-- Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992, because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-- State Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a
record."
-- Mark S. Fowler, former Federal Communications Commission Chairman
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/05/2005 : 05:51:44
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Hi Brandall, nice to see you in the fourum, welcome to FWFR.
Hope to see some reviews of yours soon 
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 05/05/2005 : 15:04:13
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Vacuum Cleaner Salesman
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of
your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered
vacuum cleaners."
"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money! I'M BROKE!!!"
And she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged
his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" He said. "Not until you have at least seen my
demonstration.." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her
hallway carpet.
"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from
your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good
appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 05/16/2005 : 04:35:03
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HOW MANY DOGS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb?
2. Border Collie: Only one? I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code afterwards.
3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp!
4. Rottweiler: Make me!
5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.
6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light bulb! Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I? Pleeeeeeeeeze, please, please, please!
7. German Shepherd: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make just one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.
8. Jack Russell Terrier: I'll just pop it in while I'm bouncing off the walls and furniture.
9. Old English Sheep Dog: Light bulb? I'm sorry, but I don't see a light bulb?
10. Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.
11. Chihuahua : Yo quiero Taco Bulb. Or "We don't need no stinking light bulb"
12. Greyhound: It isn't moving. Who cares?
13. Australian Cattle Dog : First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle...
14. Bichon: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.
The Cat's Answer:
Dogs do not change light bulbs. People change light bulbs. So, the real question is:
How long will it be before I can expect some light, some dinner, and a massage?"
ALL OF WHICH PROVES, ONCE AGAIN, THAT WHILE DOGS HAVE MASTERS, CATS HAVE STAFF!
I am personally a dog person, but I thought this was cute. Pictures were attached, but as you know, fwfr doesn't show them.
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Edited by - Stalean on 06/26/2005 18:06:49 |
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Topic |
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Jokes
