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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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 Posted - 04/06/2005 : 10:18:39
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Markandlain
"Lacking in four sight"
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Posted - 04/06/2005 : 12:51:28
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Two old woman waiting for a bus overhear a discussion by two younger women about the sexual prowess of lions, one young women said that she heard that a lion is capable of having sex 15 times a day, one old woman turned to the other and said, "Gee, I'm glad John's a Rotarian".
50.000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwi's Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that Kiwi's are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer."
Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
Helen asks him, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 Kiwi's start cheering,
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen says, "Well since we're gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance." So she asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh - everyone is disheartened - Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwi's begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance.....What is 2 plus 2?"
Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwi's jump to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream....
"GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HIM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
(Sorry Sean, no not really)
A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.
The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child�s name, Penny." He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child�s name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Dick, we�re leaving."
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 04/11/2005 : 23:18:32
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Edward was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living.
All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Edward was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.
"My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Edward aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Edward, "He plays cricket for the New Zealand but I was just too embarrassed to say."
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/12/2005 : 01:08:33
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I'd heard that before, but am pretty sure the Wallabies were on the receiving end...... 
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AC
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
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Posted - 04/12/2005 : 01:39:48
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quote:
Originally posted by Sean
I'd heard that before, but am pretty sure the Wallabies were on the receiving end......
Two world championships and the current Bledisloe Cup isn't much for that kid to be ashamed of... 
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/12/2005 : 02:19:48
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quote:
Originally posted by AC
quote:
Originally posted by Sean
I'd heard that before, but am pretty sure the Wallabies were on the receiving end......
Two world championships and the current Bledisloe Cup isn't much for that kid to be ashamed of...
Errrmmmm.... so I take it you guys made a fake Bledisloe Cup so you can delude yourselves into thinking that you actually hold the REAL Bledisloe Cup, when in fact it's where it squarely belongs, in NZ? 
http://www.lassen.co.nz/pickandgo.php?tourn=BC
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AC
"Returning FWFR Old-Timer"
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Posted - 04/12/2005 : 02:39:13
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Humph. Well, we held it the last time I lived in Australia.
It's still nearly 20 years since you bastards were world champions. That's the main thing.
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Pope George Ringo
"the Pope on stage"
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Posted - 04/12/2005 : 12:50:27
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quote:
Originally posted by AC
quote:
Originally posted by Sean
And the two Irish homosexuals:-
Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick. 
And their Scottish cousin, Phil McCracken.
How did I manage to stay out of this conversation?
Sincerely
Haywood Jablowme
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/12/2005 : 13:06:44
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Two guys having a chat. One said to the other, "What would you do if you knew the world was going to end in 10 minutes time?"
The other said, "I'd shag anything that moved. How about you?"
The first said, "I'd keep very still."
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duh 
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 04/19/2005 : 19:19:15
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Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch? The birch says she cannot tell. They argue all afternoon whether it is a son of a birch or a son of a beech.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you end this argument and tell us if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker into.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/20/2005 : 05:10:54
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For those annoyed by Telemarketers....
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. Sing in an operatic voice if possible. Or a "Tiny Tim" falsetto. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
�9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!"
Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure.
Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke.
"Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up .
. .� louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
I suppose some degree of commerce would grind to a halt if telephone solicitors weren't able to call people at home during the dinner hour.
But that doesn't make it any more pleasant. Now Steve Rubenstein, a writer for the San Francisco Chronicle, has proposed "Three Little Words" -- based on his brief experience in a telemarketing operation -- that would stop the nuisance for all time.
The three little words are "Hold on, please." Saying this while putting down your phone and walking off --instead of hanging up immediately -- would make each telemarketing call so time-consuming that boiler rooms would grind to a halt. When you eventually hear the phone company's beep-beep-beep tone, you know it's time to go back and hang up your handset, which has efficiently completed its task.
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 04/20/2005 : 14:46:48
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quote:
Originally posted by Sean
For those annoyed by Telemarketers....
I'm on the no-call list here, but before that, my favorite response to telemarketers was, "I'd love to sign up, but Welfare won't let me spend the money on that." Worked great!
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Conan The Westy 
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 04/20/2005 : 21:39:47
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The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store
1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love, and now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.
2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.
3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am...
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.
4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.
5. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you keep your promise.
6. We've been friends for a very long time.
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?
7. I'm so miserable without you...
(In! side card) - It's almost like you're still here.
8. Congratulation on your new bundle of joy...
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?
9. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...
(Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.
10. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi and Arkansas)
11. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...
(Inside card) - What was I thinking?
12. Congratulations on your wedding day!...
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 04/21/2005 : 00:29:37
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quote:
Originally posted by duh, me controversial?
quote:
Originally posted by Sean
For those annoyed by Telemarketers....
I'm on the no-call list here, but before that, my favorite response to telemarketers was, "I'd love to sign up, but Welfare won't let me spend the money on that." Worked great!
I won't tell you what my standard response is.... 
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 04/21/2005 : 03:11:29
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I arranged a blind date with a telemarketer many years ago.
She was very charming over the phone, she was local, so I asked her out. We dated for about 6 months.
I broke it off with her over the phone. 
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Jokes
