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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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 Posted - 03/26/2007 : 05:35:49
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| A friend says he refuses to go to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, because their all quitters. |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/26/2007 : 05:36:51
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Schindler's Other List:
milk
eggs
cheese
bread |
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 03/26/2007 : 06:47:19
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quote:
Originally posted by MguyX
Schindler's Other List:
milk
eggs
cheese
bread
 This is so dumb but it cracked me up. |
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Cheese_Ed 
"The Provolone Ranger"
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Posted - 03/26/2007 : 13:49:21
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quote:
Originally posted by MguyX
Schindler's Other List:
milk
eggs
cheese
bread
If Oscar hadn't put my grandfather's name on his other list, I would not be here today! |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 04/20/2007 : 18:33:21
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I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/25/2007 : 07:59:55
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A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive woman he spotted dining alone.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants.
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600 and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.
There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.
But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off. Just send the bottle back."
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Edited by - MguyX on 04/25/2007 08:01:47 |
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TitanPa
"Here four more"
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Posted - 04/25/2007 : 18:27:56
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Two drunk men walk down the street. One Drunk notices a dog licking his own balls. "I wish I could do that." says the first drunk.
THe second drunk replies, "YOu can, but you have to rub his belly first." |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 05/08/2007 : 20:18:10
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Stress Management
Just in case you've had a rough day, here's an eight-step stress
management technique recommended in the latest psychological texts.
The funny thing is that it really works.
----------------------------------------------------
1. Picture yourself near a stream.
2. Birds are softly chirping in the cool mountain air.
3. No one but you knows your secretplace.
4. You are in total seclusion from the hectic world.
5. The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a
cascade of serenity.
6. The water is crystal clear.
7. You can easily make out the face of the person you're holding underwater.
8. See? You're smiling already.
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 05/12/2007 : 16:27:03
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Blatently stolen from another message board, and apologies if they've appeared on a previous page here.
1.
Quasimodo advertises for a man to ring the bells. The next morning, a fellow comes in with no arms.
"Are you kidding?" says Quasimodo.
"I'm serious," the man says. "Please, just give me a chance."
"Fine," says Quasimodo. "Ring the bells." After all, who is Quasimodo to discriminate against the handicapped?
The man runs up the stairs, takes a flying leap, rings one of the bells with his head--boing!--and collapses in a heap. Then he picks himself up,runs up the stairs again, and rings a different bell--boing! On the third try, however, he misses the bell completely, flies out the window, andfalls on the ground, dead. Immediately, a crowd gathers around the body.When Quasimodo comes out, they say to him "Who was this man?"
"I never knew his name," he replies, "but his face rang a bell."
2.
The following day another man applies for the job, and he, too, has no arms."I had a guy come in yesterday, looked just like you," says Quasimodo.
"I know," says the man, "he was my brother."
"Listen, this is a very dangerous job for a man with no arms," says Quasimodo. "After what happened yesterday, I think you should go home."
But the man refuses to leave, and eventually Quasimodo gives in and allows him to ring the bells. But exactly the same thing happens: the first two attempts are fine, but on the third try, he, too, goes flying out the window and falls dead on theground.When Quasimodo comes out, they say,"Who was *this* man?"
"I never knew his name," comes the reply, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
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Tori
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 05/15/2007 : 22:22:30
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quote:
Originally posted by StaLean
I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says, "Hello."
He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
Ha ha ha! |
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Tori
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 05/15/2007 : 22:24:21
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quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
Blatently stolen from another message board, and apologies if they've appeared on a previous page here.
1.
Quasimodo advertises for a man to ring the bells. The next morning, a fellow comes in with no arms.
"Are you kidding?" says Quasimodo.
"I'm serious," the man says. "Please, just give me a chance."
"Fine," says Quasimodo. "Ring the bells." After all, who is Quasimodo to discriminate against the handicapped?
The man runs up the stairs, takes a flying leap, rings one of the bells with his head--boing!--and collapses in a heap. Then he picks himself up,runs up the stairs again, and rings a different bell--boing! On the third try, however, he misses the bell completely, flies out the window, andfalls on the ground, dead. Immediately, a crowd gathers around the body.When Quasimodo comes out, they say to him "Who was this man?"
"I never knew his name," he replies, "but his face rang a bell."
2.
The following day another man applies for the job, and he, too, has no arms."I had a guy come in yesterday, looked just like you," says Quasimodo.
"I know," says the man, "he was my brother."
"Listen, this is a very dangerous job for a man with no arms," says Quasimodo. "After what happened yesterday, I think you should go home."
But the man refuses to leave, and eventually Quasimodo gives in and allows him to ring the bells. But exactly the same thing happens: the first two attempts are fine, but on the third try, he, too, goes flying out the window and falls dead on theground.When Quasimodo comes out, they say,"Who was *this* man?"
"I never knew his name," comes the reply, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."
Hmm, I think I laughed way too hard. |
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Tori
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 05/15/2007 : 22:24:51
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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo Drizzle. |
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aahaa, muahaha 
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 05/17/2007 : 10:37:22
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What is the difference between girls aged : 8, 18,28,38, 48 58 and 68?
At 8 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 - You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 - You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 - If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 05/25/2007 : 22:04:19
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A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
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Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
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Posted - 05/27/2007 : 11:35:40
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I'm pretty sure that this has been adapted from another apocryphal story but it purportedly involves an exchange between Australian general Peter Cosgrave and a female interviewer from the Australian Broadcasting Corporation. The message I received read as follows:
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of ABC (Australia) interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
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Edited by - Conan The Westy on 05/27/2007 11:36:33 |
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Topic |
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Jokes
