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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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 Posted - 05/27/2007 : 11:51:02
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Another story, supposedly true, but who knows:
UK tv personality and presenter Ulrika Johnsson - who hit the headlines with tales of her numerous affairs - apparently tells this herself about a time she was propositioned by some bloke.
He said: I want you to sit on my face.
She replied: Why? Is your nose bigger than your prick?
AND THEN
Of course, there's Lenny Bruce's famous riposte when questioned about the morality of mentioning venereal disease in his act:
A knowledge of syphilis is not an instruction to go out and get it.
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Edited by - BaftaBaby on 05/27/2007 11:53:27 |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 05/29/2007 : 22:49:36
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No Sex Since 1955
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking
everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact
voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now." |
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Tori 
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 05/30/2007 : 04:54:15
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| Ha! |
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aahaa, muahaha 
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 06/16/2007 : 20:05:50
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From the movie Cheeni Kum:
Marriage is the price paid by a man to have sex. 
Sex is the price paid by a woman to remain married.  |
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/16/2007 : 21:03:54
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Aussie Life In The Army !
Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad.
(For those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to Get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone!
I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean Ya uniform.
No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothin'!!
Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as Big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing Back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their Prize cow before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even Load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have To steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta Be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm The best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke From the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pickhandles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Jill
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 06/16/2007 : 23:13:14
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quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
Aussie Life In The Army !
Your loving daughter,
Jill
ROTFL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 06/17/2007 : 04:06:58
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Every time I stand in one of those long airport security lines, I thank the 9-11 hijackers for one thing: at lease they got the Hare Krishnas out of the freakin' airport.
By the way, which one of you fwiffers wants cake? |
Edited by - MguyX on 06/19/2007 15:57:17 |
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Whippersnapper. 
"A fourword thinking guy."
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Posted - 06/18/2007 : 11:31:31
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Well, me for a start. 
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Tori
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 06/18/2007 : 17:03:49
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Edited by - Tori on 06/19/2007 19:37:27 |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/18/2007 : 23:15:14
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Meanwhile, lets get back on topic. This was e-mailed to Mrs C earlier today...
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small.
Instead of characteristically telling me it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your Breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds"
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
"How long will this take?" I asked.
"They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies.
I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"
Without missing a beat he says "Worked for your bottom, didn't it?"
He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk
again although he will probably continue to take his meals through a
straw.
Stupid, stupid man
--------------------------
Gents, let this be a warning to you!
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MM0rkeleb
"Better than HBO."
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Posted - 06/23/2007 : 19:04:51
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This one made me chuckle. Courtesy of Matthew Belinke of www.mcsweeneys.net.
Other good stuff there.
__________________________________________________________
FROM: The Reverend Mother
TO: The Nuns
My Sisters,
As you know, our little convent has been plagued in recent months by "the Maria problem." I must say, in all my years serving the Lord, this is the greatest challenge I have ever faced. It is like trying to hold a moonbeam in your hand.
Nuns have described Maria as "a headache," "a demon," and "capable of outpestering any pest." Yet, when I put out a box to collect anonymous Maria-related complaints, many of them seemed relatively minor:
"She climbs a tree and scrapes her knee." We are not Franciscans, but surely we can agree that a youthful heart often expresses its love of the Almighty through delight in nature. Besides, it's spring; it's like the hills are alive!
"She's always late for everything except for every meal." As a novice, Maria may simply be unaccustomed to the regimented life the convent demands. By the way, the implication that she is fat is simply uncalled for.
"Underneath her wimple she has curlers in her hair." Sisters, we all know that Maria sports a rather unflattering pageboy bob, with nothing resembling a curl upon her head. Whoever submitted this slander must search her soul.
On the other hand, I must admit Maria makes me uncomfortable. Once, she mentioned that brown-paper packages tied up with string were among her favorite things. That doesn't seem normal, does it? Plus, her five-octave range is positively unnerving.
So what can be done? I have been conducting frequent meetings on the subject with the most senior nuns, and a number of options have been proposed:
KICK HER OUT. Vetoed. These walls were not built to shut out problems; we have to face them.
FEED HER LESS. By limiting her rations, we may deny her the energy to do things like waltzing on the way to Mass or spinning around on mountaintops with her arms outstretched.
ADMINISTER FREQUENT, SAVAGE BEATINGS. I am shocked at the number of times this was suggested. For shame, sisters. I know it can be truly frustrating when she will not stay and listen to all you say, but we are nuns! Nuns!
LOAN HER OUT AS A NANNY TO AN ECCENTRIC NAVAL HERO. I don't really understand this plan. How is this going to make her a better nun? If anything, I feel that putting her in close proximity to children will exacerbate her own childish tendencies.
Sisters: I will consider our course. In the meantime, let us pray for a solution to this seemingly insoluble problem of Maria. We must have faith that we can climb every mountain, ford every steam, follow every rainbow, 'til Maria either stops being so annoying or falls in love with someone and gets married. I sincerely hope that the time soon arrives when we can turn our attention to more pressing matters. For instance, I hear the Nazi Party is quite popular nowadays?
Yours in Christ,
Reverend Mother
P.S. The voting to select a word that means Maria has been completed. The winning word is "Flibbertigibbet."
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ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 06/25/2007 : 12:20:48
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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The farmer drives his Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to the horse, and drives the car forward and pulls the horse free.
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow and this time the chicken falls into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can get you out." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."
The chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/30/2007 : 18:02:09
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An elderly Irishman lay dying on his bed.
While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife..................................................
F**k off" She said, "They're for the funeral"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 06/30/2007 : 18:05:55
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I have no idea if this is true or not (perhaps our Australian cousins could tell us), but it's a great story:
This was apparently in the Hobart Mercury - the title of which was, "Best Come Back Line Ever."
In summary, the police arrested Peter, 22 year old (well almost) white Bogan resident of New Norfolk, Tasmania, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday.Peter will be charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication at the Hobart courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop."You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside and there was no one around for miles.At least I thought there wasn't", he stated in a phone interview.Peter went on to say that he pulled
over to the side of the road picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need".
"Guess I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process, Peter apparently failed to notice a New Norfolk police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached him."That was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said Officer Taylor. "I walked up to Peter and he was just... pumping away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Peter. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'
He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said, "A pumpkin? F**k me, is it midnight already?"
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Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 06/30/2007 : 18:32:26
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| It's false, but it's still funny. |
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Jokes
