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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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 Posted - 06/30/2007 : 20:23:15
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... speaking of plant life ...
Maybe Ali knows whether this is true or not?
A woman for duty,
A boy for pleasure,
But a melon for ecstasy.
- Old Turkish proverb
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Beanmimo 
"August review site"
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Posted - 06/30/2007 : 20:37:51
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quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
But a melon for ecstasy.[/i]
Jebus if melons produced Ecstacy the kids of today would be fudged!! |
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aahaa, muahaha 
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 07/03/2007 : 09:48:20
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Arsonist update:
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, set them on fire. |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 07/05/2007 : 04:33:16
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Be warned, the jokes below are just not right.
A dwarf walks into a complaints department and says "I'm not happy!"
The clerk replies "Well which one are you then?"
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A female dwarf walks into the doctor's surgery and says "Doc, I have an itch in my crotch area". The doctor looks under her skirt, grabs his scissors and snips away. The doctor says "Is that better?", she replies "a little better, but still there". The doctor sticks his head under her skirt again and snips away again, "Is that better?" he asks. She replies, "Yes, that's fantastic, all better now, thanks". She then asks the doctor what he did, he replied, "I just trimmed the top of your ugg boots".
Sorry, had to be told.  |
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Tori 
"I don't get it...."
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Posted - 07/05/2007 : 07:43:55
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I can never tell the punchline without cracking up.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!" |
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 07/05/2007 : 10:45:02
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quote:
Originally posted by Tori
I can never tell the punchline without cracking up.
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese fellow were hired at a construction site. The foreman pointed out a huge pile of sand and told the Italian guy, "You're in charge of sweeping." To the Scotsman he said, "You're in charge of shoveling." And to the Chinese guy, "You're in charge of supplies."
He then said, "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that there pile."
The foreman went away for a of couple hours, and, when he returned, the pile of sand was untouched.
He asked the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?" The Italian replied, "I no hava no broom. You said to the Chinese fella that he a wasa in a charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere."
Then the foreman turned to the Scotsman and said, "And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile."
The Scotsman replied, "Aye, ye did lad, boot ah couldnay get meself a shoovel! Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldnay fin' him either." The foreman was really angry by now and stormed off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy jumped out from behind the pile of sand and yelled...
"SUPPLIES!!"
took a while to get it, but couldn't stop laughing after I got it.
Should lite this joke as well in the book that I plan to compile... |
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Koli
"Striving lackadaisically for perfection."
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Posted - 07/07/2007 : 07:39:03
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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.
"What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup", replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet,
gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall
screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!" |
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 07/11/2007 : 22:39:20
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: Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were
: a Kiwi guy, an >Australian bloke, a little old Greek lady, and a
: young blonde Swiss girl with large breasts.
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: The Train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is
: the sound of a loud slap.
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: When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red
: hand print on his cheek.
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: No one speaks.
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: The old lady thinks: The Kiwi guy must have groped the blonde in the
: dark, and she slapped his cheek.
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: The blonde Swiss girl thinks: That Kiwi guy must have tried to grope
: me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady and she slapped
: his cheek.
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: The Kiwi thinks: The Australian bloke must have groped the blonde in
: the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
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: The Australian thinks: I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can
: smack the Kiwi again!!!
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/11/2007 : 23:14:22
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You forgot the final punchline which reads:-
But the Kiwi didn't care 'cos while in the tunnel the cute blonde Swiss girl with large breasts had slipped her phone number into his pocket so when he got home he rang her up, went around to her place and spent the weekend shagging her until they were both totally worn out. Meanwhile the Aussie went home and played with himself.
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thefoxboy
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 07/11/2007 : 23:38:38
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quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
You forgot the final punchline which reads:-
But the Kiwi didn't care 'cos while in the tunnel the cute blonde Swiss girl with large breasts had slipped her phone number into his pocket so when he got home he rang her up, went around to her place and spent the weekend shagging her until they were both totally worn out. Meanwhile the Aussie went home and played with himself.
You forgot to mention that the Swiss girl had a penis!
No wonder the Kiwi was happy. |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/11/2007 : 23:58:59
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
... the Swiss girl had a penis!
I think your parents need to teach you about the birds and the bees again...  |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 07/12/2007 : 03:16:57
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
You forgot to mention that the Swiss girl had a penis!
[Supplying an alternate retort for Sean: MguyX]
Yes: the Kiwi's. Repeatedly!  |
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 07/12/2007 : 18:53:33
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Hot off the radio:
"If Paris Hilton is having sex, but no one's around to film her, does she make a sound?"
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 07/12/2007 : 22:20:18
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Who cares?
A baby polar bear asks his mother "Mummy, am I 100% polar bear?" The mother looks up in thought, and replies "Well, your father is 100% polar bear, and I'm 100% polar bear, so I'd say yes, you're 100% polar bear."
Not satisfied with this answer, the baby polar bear goes to his father and asks "Daddy, am I 100% polar bear?" The father pauses briefly, and responds "Well, your mom's parents were both 100% polar bear, and my parents were both 100% polar bear, so yes, you're 100% polar bear.
The father then looks at his son and says "why do you ask?"
The son replies "because I'm FUCKING FREEZING!!!!" |
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Stalean
"Back...OMG"
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Posted - 08/04/2007 : 00:12:54
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Both kolo and I are descended from Irish ancestery, so we are sure to be sent Irish jokes in our email.
Three Irishmen plan a night out for two weeks on the
night Micky's wife goes to Dublin to sit with her Ma.
The night of the pub crawl Tommy and Donny stop to
pick up Micky. They knock. No answer. They pound,
no answer. They try the latch, the door opens. They
go in and Tommy is sitting in his chair with an empty
glass in his hand and a full bottle of whisky on the
side board, dressed to go out, but apparently
sleeping. Tommy shakes him and he doesn't waken.
Donny yells in his ear, no answer.
The following conversation ensues between Tommy and
Donny. Donny speaks first....
It's parched he is.
No, he's dead.
No, he's parched.
He's dead.
No, give him a stiff one, he's parched.
The only stiff in here is him. He's dead.
If he's dead, who does the whisky belong to?
It belongs to his wife when she gets back from Dublin
from visiting her mother.
Then she'll pour it down the drain because it's a
teetotaler she is.
Tommy scratched his head a minute, picked up the
whisky and two more glasses. He pours them full and
pours Micky's glass full.
It's parched he is tonight. He can be dead in the
morning when the Misses gets home from Dublin. |
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Jokes
