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duh 
"catpurrs"
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 Posted - 08/09/2007 : 06:19:40
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The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you realize that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to immediately dismount."
However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed,
such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding/training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 08/09/2007 : 11:25:09
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quote:
Originally posted by duh
The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to
generation, says that, "When you realize that you are riding a dead
horse, the best strategy is to immediately dismount."
However, in government, more advanced strategies are often employed,
such as:
1. Buying a stronger whip.
2. Changing riders.
3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.
4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride
horses.
5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.
6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.
7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.
8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.
9. Providing additional funding/training to increase dead horse's
performance.
10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve
the dead horse's performance.
11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less
costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially
more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.
12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.
And of course...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
... but I think you've forgotten
14. Bombing the dead horse back to the stone age.
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 08/09/2007 : 19:16:51
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quote:
Originally posted by duh
And of course...........
13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.
How did you know that's where I work... 
Mrs C says
15. Send the dead horse on a training course so that it can learn to be a more efficient dead horse.
16. Set up an enquiry to establish the reasons why the dead horse was allowed to remain in it's post after it's demise, and then ignore the results.
(She used to work in local government, but escaped a few years ago). |
Edited by - Chris C on 08/09/2007 19:35:59 |
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ChocolateLady 
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 08/10/2007 : 07:06:15
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But you forgot:
17. Start a comission to write a 10,000 page report (minimim) on if beating a dead horse is effective and if so, what tools should be used. |
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ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 08/16/2007 : 07:59:52
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While walking through an airport during one of his many trips, President Bush was astonished to see a man with long gray hair, wearing a white robe & sandals, and holding a staff.
President Bush stopped his entourage, went up to the man and said, "Has anyone told you that you look like Moses?"
The man didn't answer. He just kept staring straight ahead.
The President said, "Moses!" in a loud voice. The man just stared ahead, never acknowledging the President.
The President pulled a secret service agent aside and, pointing to the robed man, asked him, "Am I crazy or does that man look like Moses to you?"
The secret service agent looked at the man and agreed.
"Well," said the President, "every time I say his name, he ignores me and stares straight ahead, refusing to speak .... Watch!"
Again the President yelled, "Moses!" and again the man didn't even blink.
Then the secret service agent went up to the man in the white robe and whispered, "You look just like Moses. Are you Moses?"
The man leaned over and whispered back, "yes, I am Moses."
"Why do you ignore the President of the United States?" asked the agent.
"...well, sir, the last time I talked to a bush, I spent 40 years wandering in the desert, and ended up leading my people to the only spot in the entire Middle East where there is no oil. |
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 08/19/2007 : 00:02:04
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Teacher "I want you all here tomorrow for the test. No excuses allowed other than nuclear war or the death of immediate family"
Student "But miss what happens if I am sexually exhausted?"
Teacher " You can write with the other hand"
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 08/19/2007 : 00:03:17
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Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
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damalc 
"last watched: Sausage Party"
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Posted - 08/19/2007 : 02:49:40
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a woman was looking at herself naked in the mirror. she turned to her husband and said, "i feel fat. and ugly. pay me a compliment."
the husband thought for a second and replied, "well, your eyesight's perfect." |
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 09/03/2007 : 10:44:38
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A chicken and egg are lying in bed together. The egg is smoking a cigarette, looking very smug and full of itself.
Meanwhile the chicken is lying there looking beyond pissed off. After glaring at the egg for quite awhile, the chicken finally mutters "I guess we finally know the answer to that question." |
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 09/12/2007 : 04:14:20
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>> 1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? Unique Up On It.
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>> 2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? Tame Way.
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>> 3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? They Take The Psycho
>> Path
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>> 4. How Do You Get Holy Water? You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
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>> 5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? Dam!
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>> 6. What Do Eskimos Get From sitting On The Ice too Long? Polaroid's
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>> 7. What Do You Call a Boomerang that Doesn't work? A Stick
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>> 8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
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>> 9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
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>> 10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko..
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>> 11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? Spoiled Milk.
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>> 12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
>> Frostbite.
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>> 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous
>> Wreck.
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>> 14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? Anyone
>> Can Roast Beef.
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>> 15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? Right Where You Left Him.
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>> 16. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive Because It Scares The
>> Dog.
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>> 17. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
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>> 18. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! The
>> Location Of The Dirt Bag.
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>> 19. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
>> Because They Wore their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
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>> 20. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
>> A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
>> A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack .
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>> 21. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
>> Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 09/21/2007 : 17:25:36
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Women's Arse Size Study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their arses.
The results are pretty interesting:
1. 5% of women surveyed feel their arse is too big.
2. 10% of women surveyed feel their arse is too small.
3. The remaining 85% say they don't care; they love him; he's a good man, and they would have married him anyway.
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 10/04/2007 : 19:58:54
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Julius Caesar was addressing the crowd in the Coliseum.
"Friends, Romans and Countrymen, lend me your ears.Tomorrow I take our glorious army to conquer Northern Europe and I shall start with France. We shall kill many Gauls and return victorious".
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus turns to his mate and says "He doesn't half talk some shite, eh??!!"
Six months later, Caesar comes back having conquered France and addresses the crowd in the Colliseum. "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, I have returned from our campaign in France and as I promised, we killed 50,000 Gauls".
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar".
Brutus says to his mate "What a load of shite, I'm gonna check this out"
So Brutus sets of for France and three weeks later he comes back to Rome. Caesar is addressing the public in the Colliseum again "Friends, Romans and Countrymen, tomorrow we set off for Britain and we are going to sort those bastards out"
The crowd are up on their feet "Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees, hail mighty Caesar"
Brutus jumps up and shouts "Caesar, you are a liar. You told us that you had killed 50,000 Gauls in France but I've been there to check it out and you only killed 25,000!!!!"
The crowd are stunned and all sit down in silence.
Caesar gets up and looks slowly round the Colliseum then across at Brutus and says...
"Yup, but don't forget away Gauls count double in Europe!!!"
-----------------------------
That joke inspired this review.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/05/2007 : 04:01:11
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This cracked me up. Metalheads should find it extra funny... as it's true!
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
*STONER METAL
The Protagonist arrives and in a bit of a haze, slays the princess, fucks the dragon and sits down to a chocolate ice cream pizza.
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a majestic warhorse, slays the dragon with his magic long sword, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed, spills the blood of the princess as an offering to Satan and feeds her flesh to a succubus.
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Edited by - Sean on 10/05/2007 22:44:25 |
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 10/05/2007 : 07:28:31
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quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
This cracked me up. Metalheads should find it extra funny... as it's true!
where's
* JAZZ METAL - the protagonist arrives on foot, still a little high from last week, he hands a complimentary drinks voucher to the dragon and riffs cool on the sax with his trio till the dragon starts clicking his fingers in time to the beat. When the princess walks in the dragon passes her a roach and they discover paradise in each other's eyes. Everyone's fucked, man.
*CLASSICAL METAL - the protagonist fucks himself in preparation, steps onto the podium, raises his baton and the blast of brass and strings blows out the dragon's flame. The tone-deaf princess steps up to do her solo and everyone in the audience stones her to death.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 10/05/2007 : 08:26:00
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| Sounds great! Now all you need to do is invent the music! |
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Jokes
