| Author |
 Topic  |
|
Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
|
 Posted - 10/05/2007 : 19:01:36
|
quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
This cracked me up. Metalheads should find it extra funny... as it's true! 
*CLASSICAL METAL - the protagonist fucks himself in preparation, steps onto the podium, raises his baton and the blast of brass and strings blows out the dragon's flame. The tone-deaf princess steps up to do her solo and everyone in the audience stones her to death.
Symphony for 100 electric guitars  |
 |
|
|
Rovark 
"Luck-pushing, rule-bending, chance-taking reviewer"
|
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 20:07:28
|
quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
This cracked me up. Metalheads should find it extra funny... as it's true!
where's
* JAZZ METAL - the protagonist arrives on foot, still a little high from last week, he hands a complimentary drinks voucher to the dragon and riffs cool on the sax with his trio till the dragon starts clicking his fingers in time to the beat. When the princess walks in the dragon passes her a roach and they discover paradise in each other's eyes. Everyone's fucked, man.
*CLASSICAL METAL - the protagonist fucks himself in preparation, steps onto the podium, raises his baton and the blast of brass and strings blows out the dragon's flame. The tone-deaf princess steps up to do her solo and everyone in the audience stones her to death.
You forgot
*STONER METAL
The Protagonist arrives and in a bit of a haze, slays the princess, fucks the dragon and sits down to a chocolate ice cream pizza.
|
|
|
|
duh 
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 22:11:18
|
quote:
Originally posted by Rovark
*STONER METAL
The Protagonist arrives and in a bit of a haze, slays the princess, fucks the dragon and sits down to a chocolate ice cream pizza.
That's the best one! |
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 10/05/2007 : 22:59:22
|
Recently seen on a T-shirt:-
Heart of Gold
Nerves of Steel
Knob of Butter |
|
|
|
aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
|
Posted - 10/07/2007 : 07:03:30
|
THIS APPEARED ON CRAIGSLIST (apparently)
What am I doing wrong?
Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly
beautiful) 25 year old girl. I'm articulate and classy.
I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least
half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million
a year is middle class in New York City, so I don't think I'm overreaching at
all.
Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you
send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 - 250.
But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central
park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment
banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a
great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?
Here are my questions specifically:
- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms
-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings
-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?
- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so
plain? I've seen really 'plain jane' boring types who have nothing to offer
married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in
singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?
- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker,
doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where
do the hedge fund guys hang out?
- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY
Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most
beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I
wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them -
in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 432279810
THE ANSWER
Dear Pers-431649184:
I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about
your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.
Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that
is I make more than $500K per year. That said here's how I see it.
Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy
business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a
simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine,
simple. But here's the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely
continue into perpetuity�in fact, it is very likely that my income increases
but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more
beautiful!
So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset.
Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me
explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years,
but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in
you!
So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and
hold�hence the rub�marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you"
(which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being
cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so
when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that
makes sense is dating, not marriage.
Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I
wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful"
as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that
if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if
not only for a tryout.
By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we
wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.
With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way.
Classic "pump and dump."
I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know
|
|
|
|
Stalean 
"Back...OMG"
|
Posted - 10/08/2007 : 05:05:54
|
Why Pets Hate Halloween
I almost entered the penguin one for this week's avatar contest. |
|
|
|
damalc
"last watched: Sausage Party"
|
Posted - 10/08/2007 : 14:25:16
|
maybe one of the worst jokes i've ever heard, too awful to keep to myself:
You know that actress, Reese? She stabbed Ryan Phillippe.
Really?
Yeah, With-her-spoon.
 |
|
|
|
Conan The Westy
"Father, Faithful Friend, Fwiffer"
|
Posted - 10/09/2007 : 22:07:41
|
That's nearly as bad as:
What happened to Helena Rubenstein?
Max Factor |
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 10/14/2007 : 17:45:00
|
A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 90mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 110mph, then 120, then 130mph. Suddenly, he thought,"What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catchup with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man looked very seriously at the policeman and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman
|
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 11/05/2007 : 22:22:03
|
For all you from the north of England.
Explanation for the rest of you - Geordies are a strange race from Newcastle in the north of England. They have a propensity for talking in a peculiar accent that nobody else can understand and walking around in freezing cold weather wearing only a football shirt (if that). They think that all Southerners are poofs and weaklings. Sunderland FC are Newcastle's closest and biggest rival.
50 Degrees
Southerners turn on their heating.
Geordies plant their gardens.
30 Degrees
Southern cars will not start.
Geordies drive with their windows down.
10 Degrees
Southerners begin to evacuate.
Geordies go swimming in the North Sea.
Zero
Southerners turn up the heat.
Geordies have a last barbecue before it gets cold.
Minus 10
Southerners cease to exist.
Geordies throw on a lightweight jacket.
Minus 100
Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Geordies put on a jacket.
Minus 173
Alcohol freezes.
Geordies complain that the pubs are shut.
Minus 297
Microbiological life starts to disappear.
The cows in Northumberland complain of vet's cold hands.
Minus 460
All atomic motion stops.
Geordies start to blow on their hands
Minus 500
Hell freezes over.
Sunderland qualify for Europe. |
|
|
|
ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
|
Posted - 11/06/2007 : 07:02:25
|
Here's another version of that one:
60 above - Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wooly hats.
Chicago people sunbathe.
50 above - New Yorkers try to turn on the heat.
Chicago people plant gardens.
40 above - Italian cars won't start.
Chicago people drive with the windows down.
32 above - Distilled water freezes.
Lake Michigan's water gets thicker.
20 above - Californians shiver uncontrollably.
Chicago people have the last cookout before it gets cold.
15 above - New York landlords finally turn up the heat.
Chicago people throw on a sweatshirt.
0 degrees - Californians fly away to Mexico.
Chicago people lick the flagpole and throw on a light jacket over the
sweatshirt.
20 below - People in Miami cease to exist.
Chicago people get out their winter coats.
40 below - Hollywood disintegrates.
Chicago's Girl Scouts begin selling cookies door to door.
60 below - Polar bears begin to evacuate Antarctica.
Chicago's Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it gets
cold enough.
80 below - Mount St. Helen's freezes.
Chicago people rent some videos.
100 below - Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Chicago people get frustrated when they can't thaw the keg.
297 below - Microbial life survives on dairy products.
Illinois cows complain of farmers with cold hands.
460 below - ALL atomic motion stops.
Chicago people start saying. . ."Cold 'nuff for ya??"
500 below - Hell freezes over.
The Chicago Cubs win the World Series OR the Bears win the SuperBowl
|
|
|
|
ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
|
Posted - 11/06/2007 : 07:04:09
|
That reminds me of another joke:
A Chicago man dies and goes to hell. When he
gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.
The devil then says "sometimes it gets pretty
uncomfortable down here," the man says,
"no problem. I'm from Chicago."
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns
the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to
80. He then goes back to the Chicago man to see
how he's doing. To the devil's surprise, the man
is doing just fine.
"No problem...just like Chicago in June," the
man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat,
and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity
up to 90. He then goes back over to see how the
Chicago man is doing. The man is sweating a
little, but overall looks comfortable.
"No problem. Just like Chicago in July," the
man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat,
turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up
to 100. When he goes back to see how the man is
doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken
his shirt off. Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, "no problem. Just like Chicago in August."
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back
to the thermostat, and turns the temperature to MINUS
150 DEGREES. Immediately, all the humidity in the air
freezes up, and the whole place becomes a frigid,
barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. When he
goes back now to see how the Chicago man is doing, he
is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down,
and cheering in obvious delight.
The devil immediately asks the man what's going on.
To which the Chicago man replies.....
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
"THE CUBS WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!"
|
|
|
|
ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
|
Posted - 11/07/2007 : 06:16:09
|
In Pharmacology, all drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name. For example, the trade name of Tylenol also has a generic name of Acetaminophen. Aleve is also called Naproxen. Amoxil is also call Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra. After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin. Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer. It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'. Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them. |
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 11/16/2007 : 00:19:12
|
GIRLS CAN FAKE AN ORGASM, GUYS CAN FAKE AN ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP
"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"
"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next"
Guy: Baby, your body is a wonderland!
Girl: That's funny, because yours is a wasteland!
(look at her ass) that must be jelly, cuz jam don't shake like that.
I bet I can flip ya and dick ya before you can throw me and blow me!
He- I think you are the sexiest girl in the world!
She- Thanks, my boyfriend thinks so too!
Do you want a hotdog to go with those buns?
You are like a clam, hard to open but its worth the pearl.
Hey baby, you've got something on your ass: my eyes.
Hi, I make more money than you can spend. (this is so me)
You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.
Is that a ladder in your stocking or a stairway to heaven?
What winks and makes love like a panther? (What?) -wink
"If I had a garden I'd put your two lips and my two lips together."
What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.
Do you raise chickens?... cause you sure did raise my cock!
I'm just a love pirate lookin' for some booty.
Do you like Bacon?(yes) Wanna strip
Is that top felt? [No] Would you like it to be?
"Everyone thinks that rain is sad...but really it is happy, Imagine the possibilites... rain.... white tee shirts... you.... and me, baby."
(the gayest line ever) - "if i had a dollar for every time i thought of you today, i would have a million dollars, but the money wouldnt matter because i'd have you"
Your mom was pretty good, so i figured you would be too.
(She Sneesez) - I would say god bless you but it looks like he already did.
Tonight, I'll start by giving you a nice kiss on the lips,......and then move up to your belly button.
"Damn I wish you were my homework, so i could do you on the table"
Anybody who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach flunked geography
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute
If I flip a coin, what do you think my chances are of getting head?.
|
|
|
|
Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 11/16/2007 : 00:19:45
|
Suggestions For Girls/Guys To Respond To Pickup Lines
"Haven't I seen you someplace before?"
"Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
"Is this seat empty?"
"Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
"What sign were you born under?"
"No Parking."
"I know how to please a woman."
"Then please leave me alone."
"I want to give myself to you."
"Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
"I can tell that you want me."
"Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you... to leave."
"Hey, baby, What's your sign?"
"Stop."
"Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."
"May I see you pretty soon?"
"Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"
"Your body is like a temple."
"Sorry, there are no services today."
"I'd go through anything for you."
"Good! Let's start with your bank account."
"I would go to the end of the world for you."
"Yes, but would you stay there?"
"Your place or mine?"
"Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
After hearing a pickup line:
I like your approach, now let's see your departure.
If you are looking at a girl and she says "What are you looking at?"
say "I thought you were good looking, but I was mistaken." aaaaaahahahahaha!!
He: Would you like to dance?
She: Not with you.
He: Oh, come on. Lower your standards a little, I just did.
He: Do you wanna dance?
She: Yeah but not with you!
He: You must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants!
Q: Does beauty run in your family?
A: It obviously doesn't in yours!
Q: What's your name sexy?
A: Taken!
Q: Do you believe in love at first sight or do you want me to walk by again?
A: Yeah, but this time don't stop!
Q: I think you're the best looking girl in here.
A: Really? Well, I'd better go find the best looking guy then, hadn't I!
Q: Can I buy you a drink?
A: Go ahead, but only if you buy my boyfriend one too!
"You look like a dream."
Response: "Go back to sleep."
He: What`s it like being the most beautiful girl in the bar?
She: What`s it like being the biggest liar in the world?
"I can see forever in your eyes."
Response: "But all I can see is never in yours."
"I looked up beautiful in the thesaurus today and your name was included."
Response: "Thanks! Hey, I saw your name next to jerk." |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Jokes
