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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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 Posted - 11/16/2007 : 00:20:18
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Pick up lines that could get you killed
If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
If it's true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
I was about to go masturbate and I needed a name to go with your face.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. I like spaghetti. Let's go fuck.
Is that a keg in your pants? 'Cause I would love to tap that ass!
If your right leg was Thanksgiving, and your left leg was Christmas, could I meet you between the holidays?
Could I touch your belly button . . . from the inside?
I'm not too good at algebra, but doesn't U+I = 69?
How about we play lion and lion tamer? You hold your mouth open, and I'll give you the meat.
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
I love every bone in your body - especially mine.
You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
Hey baby, what's your sign? Caution, slippery when wet, dangerous curves ahead, yield?
I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he went into this motel room.
Wanna play Pearl Harbor?....Its a game where I lay back while you blow the hell out of me.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, I'd be coming too.
I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that someone beat me to it.
Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
These are supposed to be better
I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
Nice legs...what time do they open?
Do you work for UPS? I could have sworn I saw you checking out my package.
You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Pink-Breasted Bed Thrasher, have you seen one?
I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Walmart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.
Hey baby, why don't you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that POPS up.
Are those real?
You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
You can feel the magic between us...No, lower!
I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
Girl, if you were a porch I'd take out all the nails and screw ya.
(Look down at the crotch) It's not just going to suck itself.
You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any Questions? (I LOVE this one!!)
Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later. FUCK YEAH!!
My friend wants to know if YOU think I'M cute."
I know milk does a body good, but, DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
If you were the last woman and I was the last man on earth, I bet we could do it in public.
Do you wash your pants in Windex because I can see myself in them.
Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck? <--You never know...
Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? What you don't like pizza?
Hi, I'm conducting a feel test of how many women have pierced nipples...
I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one talking to you...
You have to tell me your name, because last night in my dreams, I could only call you 'baby'...
I know milk does a body good, so then you must be lactose intolerant?
Women are like cellphones... u can talk all u want, but if u press 1 wrong button ur disconnected. |
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thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
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Posted - 11/16/2007 : 01:50:50
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quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
Fuck me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
Knowing your luck, her name probably would be Yolanda. 
quote:
Originally posted by Se�n
Hey nice shoes, wanna fuck? <--You never know...
Back in '87 when Fremantle hosted the America's Cup, my friend and I held a competition between us to see who could get the most slaps from women. I was using the line "How 'bout a fuck?" all night and got about 10 slaps, 8 laughs and walk away and 2 conversations that ended with the females giving me their phone numbers. 
I'm a gentleman, so I won't tell if my question was eventually fulfilled.
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 11/16/2007 : 08:07:57
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quote:
Originally posted by thefoxboy
Back in '87 when Fremantle hosted the America's Cup, my friend and I held a competition between us to see who could get the most slaps from women. I was using the line "How 'bout a fuck?" all night and got about 10 slaps, 8 laughs and walk away and 2 conversations that ended with the females giving me their phone numbers.
I'm a gentleman, so I won't tell if my question was eventually fulfilled.
I prob'ly shouldn't admit this, but back in those wild and woolly and pre-AIDS 1960s, when I was finding out how the man/lady thing worked, so many times did guys ask if I wanted a fuck, that I thought that's the way you do it. So when I saw a hot guy I'd do the same. I never got a slap in the face, but lots of shags. NOW I know that was the wrong way, but it seemed ok back then.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 11/16/2007 : 10:11:57
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quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
I prob'ly shouldn't admit this, but back in those wild and woolly and pre-AIDS 1960s, when I was finding out how the man/lady thing worked, so many times did guys ask if I wanted a fuck, that I thought that's the way you do it. So when I saw a hot guy I'd do the same. I never got a slap in the face, but lots of shags. NOW I know that was the wrong way, but it seemed ok back then.
It's a shame that chicks ever unlearned that wrong way.  |
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ChocolateLady 
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 11/16/2007 : 11:10:09
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quote:
Originally posted by BaftaBabe
I prob'ly shouldn't admit this, but back in those wild and woolly and pre-AIDS 1960s, when I was finding out how the man/lady thing worked, so many times did guys ask if I wanted a fuck, that I thought that's the way you do it. So when I saw a hot guy I'd do the same. I never got a slap in the face, but lots of shags. NOW I know that was the wrong way, but it seemed ok back then.
Wait... that wasn't the right way to behave?
(Who'da thunk?)
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aahaa, muahaha 
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 01/01/2008 : 09:02:58
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A marine biologist at the University of New Brunswick was working on
a system that would allow humans to talk to fish, and fish to talk with
humans. One day, after many years of working in the lab, the system is
ready for field testing. The scientist takes his gear down to a local
salmon stream and sets it up. Lo and behold, the system worked! Our
hero began talking with the salmon in the stream and the salmon began
talking with the scientist. The scientist noticed one particular salmon
that looked a little different from the rest. This salmon was a deeper
reddish brown than the others, so he nick-named him Rusty.
The scientist then struck up quite a friendship with Rusty. Rusty
told the scientist what it was like to be a fish, and the scientist
told Rusty what it was like to be a human being.
One day, after two seasons by the stream, Rusty said, "It's time for
me to leave for the ocean."
The marine biologist responded, "NO Rusty! You can't! Do you know how
dangerous the trip will be? Do you know that the return rate for your
species is about 2%? Do you know that there are many dangers you will
have to face on the journey -- Fishermen, sharks and pollution to
name a few."
"Look" said Rusty, "A salmon's gotta do what a salmon's gotta do."
So off he went. Two years later, the scientist is still working by
the same stream, when he hears a familiar voice from the past. Rusty
had returned! The two of them quickly became reaquainted.
"You know, you were right about all the dangers" said Rusty.
"I lost track of the number of times that I was almost caught in some
fisherman's net. I lost track of the number of times that I was almost
eaten by sharks. But let me tell you," Rusty continued, "about the
amazing sights I witnessed."
"Tell me what you saw!" said the scientist excitedly.
"The ship wrecks were incredible!" The scientist explained to Rusty
about the large number of ships that were sunk in the North Atlantic.
"Well one ship I saw, the Titanic, was really fantastic! It was just
gorgeous! We swam all through it, up the grand staircases, down into
the dining salons! It was so moving that I decided to write some poetry
about it."
"It must be really beautiful stuff" said the scientist.
"I know it is. Maybe you could help me get it published?", said Rusty.
"Sure" said the scientist, "Do you have a title for your poems?"
"Yes -- Salmon Rusty's Titanic Verses!"
Happy New Year!!! |
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 01/17/2008 : 18:14:31
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TEN WAYS TO BECOMING A BETTER EQUESTRIAN
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away.
Instead, shout, "Get Off, Stupid! GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll
into a ball and spring lithely to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook and write out a $200 check without even
looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the
neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a
halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See, moving hay bales is FUN!" and, "No,
really, I'm glad YOUR LUCKY PERFORMANCE and multi-million dollar horse won the
class. I am just thankful that MY HARD WORK and actual ability won me second
place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor'4. Practice dialing your chiropracter while paralyzed to
the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be - bitten, thrown,
kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes
and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience. This is a learning
experience. This is . . ."
AND THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN:
1. Remember, its never the horse's fault...* :-) |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 01/19/2008 : 08:32:35
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A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have sex with a sheep," suggested the zoophile.
"Let's have sex with the sheep and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have sex with the sheep, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have sex with the sheep, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have sex with the sheep, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said, "Baaa-aaaa-aaa."
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Edited by - Sean on 01/19/2008 08:33:26 |
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 01/24/2008 : 22:54:18
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Little Johnnie"s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie"s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie"s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears. His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby"s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie."
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."
"That"s great", said Little Johnnie, "coz he'd be fucked if he needed glasses".
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 02/06/2008 : 12:59:02
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Especially for Chocolate Lady, Whippersnapper, and GHCool ...
Two astronauts land on Mars. Their mission: to check whether there is oxygen on the planet.
"Give me the box of matches," says one. "Either it burns and there is oxygen, or nothing happens."
He takes the box, and is ready to strike a match when, out of the blue, a Martian appears waving
all his arms... "No, no, don't!"
The two guys look at each other, worried. Could there be an unknown explosive gas on Mars?
Still, he takes another match... and... A crowd of hysterical Martians is coming, all waving their ams: "No, no, don't do that!"
One of the astronauts says, "This looks serious. What are they afraid of? Nonetheless, we're here for Science, to know if
man can breathe on Mars."
So he strikes a match -- which flames up, burns down, and....NOTHING HAPPENS!!
He turns to the Martians and asks, "Why did you want to prevent us from striking a match?"
The leader of the Martians says: "It's Shabbos!"
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 02/09/2008 : 05:35:10
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A wife comes home from playing golf with her friends. �How was your day?� her
husband asks.
�It was just awful,� she replies. �I got stung by a bee.�
�Oh, that must�ve hurt. Where�d you get stung?� the husband asks.
�Between the first and second holes,� she tells him.
�Hmm,� he says. �Sounds like your stance is too wide.�
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 02/09/2008 : 09:46:51
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/11/2008 : 00:21:27
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Not really a joke, but....
---------------
Now I know why I could (can) never get it right!!!
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
You lovers of the English language might enjoy this There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that is"UP."
It's easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP? At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?
We call UP our friends. And we use it to brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special.
And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP! To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look the word UP in the dictionary. In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions. If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don't give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP . When it rains, it wets the earth and often messes things UP. When it doesn't rain for awhile, things dry UP. |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 02/11/2008 : 00:28:25
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Epitaphs
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany , New York:
Born 1903--Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland , cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no place to go.
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On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery , Nova Scotia :
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The Good Die Young.
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In a London , England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
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In a Ribbesford, England , cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And the Lord sent them manna.
Clark Wallace wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
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In a Ruidoso, New Mexico , cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.. Pardon me for not rising.
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In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania , cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
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A lawyer's epitaph in England :
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
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John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England , cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe , England :
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls , Vermont :
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket , Massachusetts :
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God.
==================================
In a cemetery in England :
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
"To follow you I'll not consent ...
Until I know which way you went".
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 02/17/2008 : 16:44:51
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Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, "Oh, we haven't got any condoms. I'll ring down to room service." He calls and asks for some condoms.
The woman says, "OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?"
"No," he says, "I'll suffocate!"
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Jokes
