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aahaa, muahaha 
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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 Posted - 02/19/2008 : 06:54:30
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Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man.
�This young man agreed to marry my daughter,� said one.
�No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,� said the other.
And so they began arguing until the King called for silence.
�Bring me my biggest sword,� said Solomon, �and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.�
�Sounds good to me,� said the first lady.
But the other woman said, �Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman�s daughter marry him.�
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. �The man must marry the first woman�s daughter,� he proclaimed.
�But she was willing to hew him in two!� exclaimed the king�s court.
�Indeed,� said wise King Solomon. �That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law.�
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 02/19/2008 : 18:42:44
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 02/29/2008 : 05:20:16
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A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. She starts talking about
this really great new drink.
After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.
The bartender brings the drink and puts the following items on the bar: A salt
shaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice.
The woman explains. "First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you
drink the shot of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the
lime juice." So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it.
He puts the salt on his tongue... salty but OK. He drinks the shot of
Baileys...very pleasant, holding it in his mouth. He thinks...this is OK.
Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.
In one second the sharp lime taste hits. At two seconds the Baileys curdles. At
three seconds the salty, curdled taste and mucous-like consistency hits. At
four seconds it feels as if he has a mouth full of nasty snot. This triggers
his gag reflex, but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend,
he swallows the now foul tasting drink.
When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Good
God!!! What do you call that drink?"
She smiles at him and says, "Blow Job Revenge."
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ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 03/02/2008 : 11:10:51
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In light of recent news articles, I thought this was a very appropriate, if old joke.
Dan Rather, Katie Couric, and an Israeli sergeant were all captured by terrorists in Iraq. The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan, so I'd like one last bowlful of hot spicy chili."
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Katie Couric said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."
The leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and Couric ddictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The leader turned and said, "And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass," said the soldier."
"What?" asked the leader? "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass," insisted the Israeli.
So the leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the ass. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flack jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire.
In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying Rather and Couric, they asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass first?"
"What?" replied the Israeli, "And have you two assholes report that I was the aggressor?!
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Edited by - ChocolateLady on 03/02/2008 11:13:56 |
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 03/06/2008 : 07:32:55
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| I like this one. |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 03/10/2008 : 20:18:38
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How does a girl get a mink?
The same way minks get minks.  |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 03/12/2008 : 02:19:56
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Q:- How can you tell that dogs are man's best friend?
A:- Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car, come back in an hour and see which one is happy to see you.
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 03/27/2008 : 07:25:46
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This isn't a joke, (well, it is, actually) it's true, and it happened today... 
Man tells police 'I've been raped by a wombat'
New 5:25PM Thursday March 27, 2008
A 48-year-old orchard worker has been sentenced to 75 hours community work after calling police to complain he was being raped by a wombat.
Arthur Ross Cradock, of Motueka, called police on February 11 and informed them the rape was taking place at his house and he required assistance, The Nelson Mail reported.
He later called back asking to retract the claim.
"Apart from speaking Australian now, I'm pretty all right you know," he told the operator.
Cradock pleaded guilty in Nelson District Court to using a phone for a fictitious purpose.
Police prosecutor Sergeant Chris Stringer told the court alcohol played a large role in Cradock's life.
- NZPA |
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ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 03/27/2008 : 09:15:06
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The President's Puzzle
Dick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering.
"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired.
"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed.
"How long did it take you?"
"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
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Beanmimo 
"August review site"
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Posted - 03/27/2008 : 13:39:41
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Two guys talking on the phone.
Man - Are you coming out for a pint?
Friend - No I lost my finger in one of the machines in work today
Man - Jesus, the whole one.
Friend - Na, the one next to it. |
Edited by - Beanmimo on 03/27/2008 13:41:10 |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/27/2008 : 18:13:49
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(I bet you do the accent as you read this)
A dwarf with a lisp goes into a stud farm.
"I'd like to buy a horth" he says to the owner of the farm.
"What sort of horse?" said the owner.
"A female horth" the dwarf replies.
So the owner shows him a mare.
"Nithe horth" says the dwarf, "can I thee her eyth?"
So the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses eyes.
"Nith eyth", says the dwarf, "can I thee her teeth?"
Again the owner picks up the dwarf to show him the horses teeth.
"Nith teeth, can I see her eerth?" the dwarf says.
By now the owner is getting a little fed up but again the owner picks up he dwarf to show him the horses ears.
"Nith eerth,' he says 'now...can I see her twot?"
With this the owner picks the dwarfup and shoves his head deep inside the horses vagina, he holds him there for a second before pulling him out and putting him down.
The dwarf shakes his head and says: "Perhaps I should weefwaze that?..
Can I see her wun awound?"
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Edited by - Chris C on 03/27/2008 18:19:57 |
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/27/2008 : 18:18:46
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Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a coat hanger long after hypothermia has set in. Calling the AA is not an option. I will win.
Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink a couple of beers and break wind, as a form of holy communion.
Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you, this is no problem.
Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu." For all I know, these are the same thing.
Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.
Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator instead (applies to engineers only)
Because I'm a man, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The true answer is always either sex, cars, sex, sports or sex. I have to make up something else when you ask, so just don't
ask.
Because I'm a man, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't . . . and if you are feeling amorous afterwards, then I will certainly at least remember the name and recommend it to others.
Because I'm a man, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought that you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it, looks fine. It does not
make your ass look too big. It was the pasta and potatoes and margaritas that did that. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?
Because I'm a man, and this is, after all, the year 2008, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Like wandering around in the garden with a beer, wondering what to do.
This has been a public service message for women to better understand men....
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Edited by - Chris C on 03/27/2008 18:20:36 |
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 03/27/2008 : 19:37:55
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quote:
Originally posted by Chris C
Why do I get the feeling that it was actually Mrs. C. who gave you this to post here?!!!
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Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 03/28/2008 : 17:20:25
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| Er, no she didn't, but she does agree with most of it. |
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 04/08/2008 : 11:33:46
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Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet."
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Jokes
