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Ali 
"Those aren't pillows."
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 Posted - 04/08/2008 : 12:47:49
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A man goes to the doctor's to get his wife's test results back. The doctor says, "I'm afraid we've misplaced your wife's results, but the outlook is bad either way. She's either got Alzheimer's, or she's got AIDS."
"Shit," says the man, "what should I do?"
"Drop her off way out of town. If she comes back, don't fuck her."
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 04/09/2008 : 17:02:01
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Good one Ali. 
Here's one for the kiddies:
A mother skunk had two skunk cubs, one named in and one named out.
In got lost one day so the mother skunk charged out to find his brother.
Within an hour, Out located the lost cub. The mother asked, "How did you ever find him?"
Out replied "Instinct." |
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BaftaBaby 
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 04/13/2008 : 20:00:03
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So this guy went to NYC on vacation and was curious about the famous subway system. He enjoyed travelling on the trains and whooshing so quickly from one part of the city to another.
One thing puzzled him, though. On every platform there was one of those coin-operated machines - like the ones selling gum and soda, whatever. But this one was different. It was a solid metal thing with a coin slot and a little hole. The machine's name was "Your Wife Away From Home."
The first time he saw it, he looked around in embarrassment, but no one else took the least bit of notice. Surely, he thought, that can't be for ....
But after a few days his curiousity took the better of him. It was pretty late and he was alone on the platform. He approached the machine, put in the coin, and the machine began to vibrate. He unzipped his fly and stuck his cock into the little hole. And ... he screamed in agonizing pain.
When he could, he yanked out his poor little member and saw ....
the machine had ...
sewn a little button on the end of his cock.
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duh 
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 04/17/2008 : 18:56:00
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from a message forwarded by a friend...
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, ( E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 04/17/2008 : 20:04:04
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quote:
Originally posted by duh
from a message forwarded by a friend...
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine... and those who don't.
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have
demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, ( E. coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service
Cute bit but I doubt that Ben Franklin knew the term 'bacteria'. |
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aahaa, muahaha
"Optimistic altruist, incurable romantic"
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Posted - 04/18/2008 : 06:09:28
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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy They were standing
on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the
old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the
captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify
him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old
man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your
wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached
to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . .. please
advise."
The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 06/03/2008 : 23:18:09
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Taken from a flight sim board... Reflects things pretty well IMO. -- (sent to me by my son who is job hunting
-------------------------------
You�ve finished your essays, taken your tests and rented your (insert school color here) gown. Over the past four years (or five or six or more) you�ve accomplished your goal of finishing college. Congratulations, your life will probably suck from now on.
As someone who not only has an undergrad but also a master�s degree, I must say that I�m proud of all of you, the young pinnacles of modern higher education. You�ve earned skills and knowledge that people literally kill and die for, leave their family and friends for, pay an arm and a leg for.
Today all the late night studying, caffeine-induced hallucinations and soul crushing requirement courses are finished! Now you can look forward to late night working, caffeine-induced hallucinations and soul crushing corporate required sensitivity training. Hurrah!
You�re entering one of the worst job markets in modern history. Hopefully your friends and family encompass power and respect throughout your business of choice. Or, hopefully your looks haven�t faded over the past few years and you learned to please your last few boyfriends with your delicious lips. Oh, didn�t your advisor tell you that �making it on your own� means living at your parents� house, sending out 100 r�sum�s a week and eating solid ramen noodles (because you can�t afford electricity)?
You strove to be lawyers, artists, dentists, doctors, musicians, teachers and people who understand finance. You�ll end up waiters, security guards, strippers and deputy office manager assistants. It�s okay. Nobody is happy with their life. Unless they�re high all the time. But even then, that weed doesn�t pay for itself. Unless you grow it I guess.
You used to make fun of your friend from high school who decided to sell tires in your hometown instead of going to college. Haha! This rubberized entrepreneur spent his time working while you spent the last four (or let�s face it, five) years getting drunk and barely passing. Oh you giggled then, but now he�s part owner and the one laughing. Haha! He has $0 in student loans and money for weed in the bank. Haha!
Yes, yes, yes, in only a few short months you�ll quickly learn the value of that history course you took twice, all those books and your credit card spending. Employers think it�s so wonderful you�ve graduated college, and they�ll prove it to you with your starting salary that will keep you barely above the poverty level for the next 30 years, if you�re lucky. Hopefully you enjoyed your education; you�ll be paying for it for the rest of your life.
The dreams you dreamed will surely make the world a better place. Because of you, Tibet will finally be free. With your help, women and minorities will break through the glass ceiling. Thanks to you, nobody will ever wear sweatshop clothing again! This planet�s people will drop their weapons and pick up gumdrop-flavored lemonade all on account of your brilliant final thesis. Oh, but unfortunately, it�s a dream; but you�re so cute for dreaming.
Oh the enlightenment you�ll feel when you move from your quaint college town. All those suckers in your liberal university burg can keep their co-ed intramural sports, five-cent pitcher night and all-you-can-eat meal plans. In your new city, you�ll learn not to care about the environment. Recycling? Ha! Too much work. You�ll never talk to your neighbors and everybody in town will hate you because you�re young.
HoHo! Gentlemen, now you�ll truly realize how cool the rest of the world thinks you are. Nobody gives a **** about your drinking prowess. Banish your sandals from your feet! Unspike your hair! Tuck your dress shirt into your khakis! It�s time to work!
Soon your most pussy-whipped buddy will decide to propose to his girlfriend, sparking a massive marriage trend among your friends. Instead of road tripping it to Woodstock �99 (what year is this again?) you�ll be spending your valuable vacation time watching your best bros Skuzz, ButtFace and Tweed exchange vows with girls you remember as Syph-Dawg, AnnoyingAsianStripper and Dumb North Dakota Girl.
HoHo! Ladies, you�re officially too young for social security but too old for college porn. Alas, there aren�t �Recent Female College Graduates Acting Moderately Crazy� naked movies. It�s okay though. After divorcing your college sweetheart you can always make MILF movies. Unless that trend blows over (which we hope will happen soon).
And to both sexes, if you think after college the rest of the world matures and no longer cares about Facebook or MySpace, you�re pathetically wrong. These two Internet diseases will cause never-ending needless drama, pain and suffering among all ages. Dropping an ex�s friends just because you never have to see them or just because they�re annoying is the cause of many post grad, post-relationship debacles.
Out of the hundreds of thousands or millions of graduates, I�m positive that you, gentle reader, will make it. You have the gumption, attitude, chutzpah and other words that I can�t think of to succeed in this scary place we call the real world. Or maybe you�ll just quit when you�re bored with your career and work at a coffee shop. Either or.
Take off your cap and gown and put on your townie clothes. Accept it. This is what you wanted. Hopefully you�ll retain fond memories of college, because it�s the last consistent fun you�ll have for a long, long time. Suckers. |
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Ali
"Those aren't pillows."
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Posted - 06/05/2008 : 15:12:10
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What did Jesus drive?
A Honda, but he did not talk about it:
"For I did not speak of my own Accord." John 12:49-50 |
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Whippersnapper. 
"A fourword thinking guy."
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Posted - 06/05/2008 : 15:33:14
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The Honda God?  |
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Beanmimo 
"August review site"
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Posted - 06/06/2008 : 13:31:50
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An Irishman, fed up with anti-Irish jokes, starts taking
English elocution lessons. After a few successful weeks
he goes to the shops to try it out.
"I'll have an Observer, a Telegraph and a
Times, please Sir, he says to the shop-keeper.
"Are you Irish? asks the shop-keeper
"How did you know? replies the shocked Irishman.
"Well, this is a fish and chip shop, mate." |
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 06/06/2008 : 19:13:14
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quote:
Originally posted by Ali
A man goes to the doctor's to get his wife's test results back. The doctor says, "I'm afraid we've misplaced your wife's results, but the outlook is bad either way. She's either got Alzheimer's, or she's got AIDS."
"Shit," says the man, "what should I do?"
"Drop her off way out of town. If she comes back, don't fuck her."
Ali, how about an explanation of your avatar? Looks like the chubby kid is trying to wriggle out of the grasp of a badger on his shoulders? |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 07/01/2008 : 12:47:10
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True Reports from British life .......!!!
BRITISH NEWSPAPERS
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill, a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the time of year. It's possible Mr. Purdey has been charged for the gas used up during the explosion that destroyed his house."
(The Daily Telegraph)
Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in her underwear. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her Italian boyfriend.
(The Manchester Evening News)
Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they don't want the public to know what it looks like.
(The Guardian)
A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coast guard spokesman commented, "This sort of thing is all too common".
(The Times)
At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coast guard and asked him to estimate the wind speed. He replied he was sorry, but he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown his Land Rover off the cliff.
( Aberdeen Evening Express)
Mrs. Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue , Boscombe, delighted the audience with her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week to do her garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945, she recalled -
"He'd always seemed a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn in February 1946, they spelt out 'Heil Hitler.'"
( Bournemouth Evening Echo)
HEARD ON THE LONDON UNDERGOUND
A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...
1) "Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."
2) "Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."
3) "Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."
4) "Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."
5) "We are now travelling through Baker Street ... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that".
6) "Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars. If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me."
7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl: "Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided."
8) "Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."
9) "Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.' The two are distinct and separate instructions."
10) "Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."
11) "We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."
12) "To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage -- what part of 'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
13) "Please move all baggage away from the doors." (Pause..) "Please move ALL belongings away from the doors." (Pause...) "This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train: Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"
14) "May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage." |
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ChocolateLady
"500 Chocolate Delights"
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Posted - 07/02/2008 : 08:28:48
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Hehehe. Who said the British don't have a good sense of humour?
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 07/06/2008 : 20:03:20
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Someone sent me the following, so don't blame me!
Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs
The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning. As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores. As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
'Hello!...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me? Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing . ..
'Vote for John McCain! - Vote for John McCain!'
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed,
'Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive...
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 08/03/2008 : 06:12:31
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Two snowmen are standing together during a snowy winter in Canada.
One snowman says to the other, "That's funny, I smell carrots too." |
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Jokes
