| Author |
 Topic  |
|
duh 
"catpurrs"
|
 Posted - 08/05/2008 : 00:31:47
|
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen , thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant. |
 |
|
|
thefoxboy 
"Four your eyes only."
|
Posted - 08/05/2008 : 02:23:44
|
quote:
Originally posted by duh Improper Username
In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully.
He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen , thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Brookfield Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, and then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed his stupid ass against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.
That's the type of ending I was expecting in that video of the two guys having the reunion with the lion that they raised. 
|
|
|
|
Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 08/05/2008 : 21:56:34
|
A man boarded a plane with 6 kids. After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, 'Are all of those kids yours?'
He replied,'No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints.'
|
|
|
|
ci�nas
"hands down"
|
Posted - 08/06/2008 : 02:40:37
|
A: One
Q: How many psychics does it take to change a lightbulb? |
|
|
|
Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
|
Posted - 09/07/2008 : 09:20:00
|
This was so dumb I liked it....
Two Red Indians and an Irishman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo!" He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Irishman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about, "Was the other Indian crazy or what?"
The Indian replied "No, it is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If we get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us."
Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside. He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.
The Irishman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Like the others, he then heard an answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............
"Naked Irishman Killed By Train"
|
|
|
|
ChocolateLady 
"500 Chocolate Delights"
|
Posted - 09/10/2008 : 12:15:08
|
What do you call a psychic midget who just escaped from jail?
A small medium at large! |
|
|
|
Bernie 
"4 words?! That's hard!"
|
Posted - 09/10/2008 : 22:11:27
|
President Bush walks into a library and asks the librarian, in a loud voice, "Can I have a hamburger and fries?" To which the librarian replies, "Sir, this is a library!" So Bush says, in a whisper, "Oh, sorry. Can I have a hamburger and fries?"
Bernie
http://berniekeating.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
Bernie
"4 words?! That's hard!"
|
Posted - 09/12/2008 : 00:57:45
|
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Hey, Rose! What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
What Fresh Hell Is This?
http://berniekeating.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
|
Posted - 09/12/2008 : 01:19:20
|
quote:
Originally posted by Bernie
Two senior couples are walking along, wives in front, husbands in back. Herb says to Sam, "Gee, we went to a new restaurant last night and had the best meal ever. Good prices too."
Sam says, "Well, we like to eat out too. What was the name of the restaurant?"
Herb says, "You'll going to have to help me out here a little. What's the name of that pretty flower, smells sweet, grows on a thorny bush?" Sam says, "How about rose?"
"Yes, yes, that's it!" cries Herb, then calls ahead to his wife. "Hey, Rose! What was the name of the restaurant we ate at last night?"
What Fresh Hell Is This?
http://berniekeating.blogspot.com
Hey Bernie --- that is one of my all-time fav jokes!!! Thanks 
|
|
|
|
MguyX
"X marks the spot"
|
Posted - 09/12/2008 : 23:26:05
|
Two guys are walking down the street when one says to the other "Is there any secret you wouldn't tell anyone, not even your best friend?"
The second guy says "No."
The first guy says "What if you went camping with your best guy friend, got stinking drunk, and woke up the next morning with your trousers at your ankles, your butthole hurting and vaseline dripping down your legs?"
The second guy says "Well, that's very different. I wouldn't tell a soul about that!"
The two men continue to walk. After a while the first says "Hey, let's go camping this weekend." |
|
|
|
duh
"catpurrs"
|
Posted - 09/19/2008 : 02:21:39
|
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU GET BLONDE GENIES?
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes
across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks
Up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has
been granted three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde
genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom,
in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 5 beautiful
Women.
Aft er he makes love to all of them, he begins to
Explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet,
He looks down and the floor is covered in $100
Bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door.
He answers it and standing there are two persons
Dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him
Outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a
Limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.
As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove
Their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can
Understand the first wish having all these beautiful
Women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me.' |
|
|
|
Bernie
"4 words?! That's hard!"
|
Posted - 09/19/2008 : 17:41:32
|
Two Irishmen had just won $5,000,000 in a lottery. Over a pint in a pub Tim say to Sean, what about all them begging letters?"
Sean replies, "We'll just keep sending them."
Bernie
http://berniekeating.blogspot.com
|
|
|
|
MguyX
"X marks the spot"
|
Posted - 11/03/2008 : 04:59:07
|
| I have a good one. But it is sexist, and involves the current American elections, so if you want it you have to PM me. |
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 17:55:43
|
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long
moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken! |
|
|
|
Chris C
"Four words, never backwards."
|
Posted - 11/05/2008 : 17:57:43
|
A manager at Wal-Mart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.
The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'
Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, 'A THOUGHT.' It just pops into your head. There's no warning.
'That's very good!' replied the interviewer.
'And, now you sir?', he asked the second man
'Hmmm...let me see 'A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of.'
'Excellent!' said the interviewer. 'The blink of an eye, that's a very popular clich� for speed.'
He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply.
'Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. 'Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of'.
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.
'It's hard to beat the speed of light,' he said.
Turning to BUBBA, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.
Old Bubba replied, 'After hearing the previous three answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHOEA.'
'WHAT!?' said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
'Oh sure', said BUBBA. 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit my pants.'
BUBBA is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!
|
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Jokes
