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duh 
"catpurrs"
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 Posted - 12/05/2008 : 23:04:08
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> A successful rancher died and left everything to his
> devoted wife.
> She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep
> the ranch, but knew
> very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad
> in the newspaper
> for a ranchhand.
>
> Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other
> a drunk.
> She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else
> applied she
> decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to
> have him around
> the house than the drunk.
> He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every
> day and knew a lot
> about ranching.
> For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing
> very well.
> Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired
> hand, 'You have done a
> really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go
> into town and kick
> up your heels.'
> The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one
> Saturday night.
> One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
> Two o'clock and no hiredhand.
> Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering
> the room, he found
> the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a
> glass of wine, waiting
> for him.
> She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse
> and take it off,'
> she said.
> Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my
> boots.' He did=2 0as she
> asked, ever so slowly.
> 'Now take off my socks.' He removed each gently and
> placed them neatly by
> her boots.
> 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it,
> constantly watching her
> eyes in the firelight.
> 'Now take off my bra. Again, with trembling hands, he
> did as he was told and
> dropped it to the floor.
> Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my
> clothes into town
> again, you're fired.'
> |
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Sean 
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 12/06/2008 : 01:04:59
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randall 
"I like to watch."
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Posted - 12/06/2008 : 01:33:09
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What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?
In an orchestra, the asshole's up front and the horns are in the rear!
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duh
"catpurrs"
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Posted - 12/10/2008 : 17:12:17
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How To Shoot Yourself in the Foot in Any Programming Language
C You shoot yourself in the foot.
C++ You accidentally create a dozen clones of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical assistance is impossible since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying, That's me, over there.
JAVA After importing java.awt.right.foot.* and java.awt.gun.right.hand.*, and writing the classes and methods of those classes needed, you've forgotten what the hell you're doing.
Ruby Your foot is ready to be shot in roughly five minutes, but you just can't find anywhere to shoot it.
PHP You shoot yourself in the foot with a gun made with pieces from 300 other guns.
ASP.NET Find a gun, it falls apart. Put it back together, it falls apart again. You try using the .GUN Framework, it falls apart. You stab yourself in the foot instead.
Classic ASP You find that it is so much fun and easy to shoot yourself in the foot that you continue doing it until both your feet are shot to pieces. (My contribution.)
SQL SELECT @ammo:=bullet FROM gun WHERE trigger = 'PULLED'; INSERT INTO leg (foot) VALUES (@ammo);
Perl You start shooting yourself in the foot, but you lose the gun.
Javascript YOu've perfected a robust, rich user experience for shooting yourself in the foot. You then find that bullets are disabled on your gun.
CSS You shoot your right foot with one hand, then switch hands to shoot your left foot but you realize that the gun has turned into a banana.
FORTRAN You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-handling ability.
Modula2 After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in this language, you shoot yourself in the head.
COBOL Using a COLT 45 HANDGUN, AIM gun at LEG.FOOT, THEN place ARM.HAND.FINGER. on HANDGUN.TRIGGER and SQUEEZE. THEN return HANDGUN to HOLSTER. CHECK whether shoelace needs to be retied.
LISP You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds ..
BASIC Shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.
FORTH Foot in yourself shoot.
APL You shoot yourself in the foot, then spend all day figuring out how to do it in fewer characters.
Delphi The compiler won't let you shoot yourself in the foot.
SNOBOL If you succeed, shoot yourself in the left foot. If you fail, shoot yourself in the right foot.
Concurrent Euclid You shoot yourself in somebody else's foot.
HyperTalk Put the first bullet of the gun into the foot of the left leg of you. Answer the result.
Motif You spend days writing a UIL description of your foot, the trajectory, the bullet, and the intricate scrollwork on the ivory handles of the gun. When you finally get around to pulling the trigger, the gun jams.
Unix % ls foot.c foot.h foot.o toe.c toe.o % rm * .o rm: .o: No such file or directory % ls %
Paradox Not only can you shoot yourself in the foot, your users can too.
Revelation You'll be able to shoot yourself in the foot just as soon as you figure out what all these bullets are for.
Visual Basic You'll shoot yourself in the foot, but you'll have so much fun doing it that you won't care.
Prolog You tell your program you want to be shot in the foot. The program figures out how to do it, but the syntax doesn't allow it to explain.
Ada After correctly packaging your foot, you attempt to concurrently load the gun, pull the trigger, scream and shoot yourself in the foot. When you try, however, you discover that your foot is of the wrong type.
Assembly You try to shoot yourself in the foot only to discover you must first reinvent the gun, the bullet, and your foot. After that's done, you pull the trigger, the gun beeps several times, then crashes.
370 JCL You send your foot down to MIS with a 4000-page document explaining how you want it to be shot. Three years later, your foot comes back deep-fried.
BTW - Sean, thank you for introducing me to the Satans Penguins.
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Edited by - duh on 12/10/2008 17:13:15 |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 01/06/2009 : 23:56:52
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WHY I FIRED MY SECRETARY
I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought, "I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well, she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen, yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.
When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.
Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she left the room.
In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with nothing on but my socks. |
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Sean
"Necrosphenisciform anthropophagist."
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Posted - 01/07/2009 : 00:45:10
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quote:
Originally posted by duh Improper Username
BTW - Sean, thank you for introducing me to the Satans Penguins.
Sorry, I only just saw this. So, have you been listening to them and like them? Or just laughing at the lyrics? |
Edited by - Sean on 01/07/2009 00:45:38 |
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Chris C 
"Four words, never backwards."
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Posted - 01/20/2009 : 20:38:03
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Prime Minister Gordon Brown, is being shown around an Edinburgh hospital. Towards the end of his visit, he is taken onto a ward of people with no obvious signs of injury. He greets the first patient and the chap replies:
"Fair fa' you honest sonsie face,
Great Chieftain e' the puddin' race!
Aboon them a' ye tak your place,
Painch, tripe, or thaim,
Weel are ye Wordy o'a grace,
As lang's my arm."
Gordy, being somewhat confused, just grins, moves on to the next patient and greets him. He replies:
"Some hae meat, and canna eat,
And some hae nane that want it,
But we hae meat and we can eat,
And sae the Lord be thank it."
Even more confused, but trying not to show it, Gordon moves on to the third patient, who immediately begins to declaim,
"Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie,
O, what a panic's in thy breastie!
Thou need na start awa sae hasty,
Wi bickering brattle!"
Alarmed, Gordon turns to the doctor accompanying him and demands an explanation: "What sort of ward is this, a mental ward?"
"No", replies the doctor. "This is the Serious Burns Unit." |
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MguyX 
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 01/20/2009 : 20:44:48
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OK, I hate to be thick (well, except in my pants, if ya know what I mean  ), but are you referring to "burns" as in "insults", otherwise, I don't get it.  |
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rockfsh
"Laugh, Love, Cheer"
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Posted - 01/20/2009 : 22:48:20
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He means Robert Burns, the poet
see To a Mouse |
Edited by - rockfsh on 01/20/2009 22:55:49 |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 01/21/2009 : 00:31:15
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Ohhhhhhhhh!   Funny!!! (Sheesh: fucking literary types!) |
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rockfsh
"Laugh, Love, Cheer"
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Posted - 01/21/2009 : 02:34:06
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The trouble with that joke is that those unfamiliar with Burns wont get it, while those that are, will see the punch line coming. (I thought it was "These are the burnt out patients")
BTW Chris, I think he's dissing us. |
Edited by - rockfsh on 01/21/2009 03:42:49 |
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BaftaBaby
"Always entranced by cinema."
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Posted - 01/21/2009 : 09:22:35
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quote:
Originally posted by rockfsh
The trouble with that joke is that those unfamiliar with Burns wont get it, while those that are, will see the punch line coming. (I thought it was "These are the burnt out patients")
BTW Chris, I think he's dissing us.
Yeah, they learn that in lawyer school! 
He prob'ly thinks "Rabbi Burns" mean the poet was a Rabbi!
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 01/21/2009 : 13:38:56
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| He wasn't? |
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lemmycaution
"Long mired in film"
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Posted - 01/21/2009 : 16:20:18
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| Arte Johnson did a character named Rabbi Shankar on Laugh-In. |
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MguyX
"X marks the spot"
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Posted - 01/21/2009 : 16:25:23
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quote:
Originally posted by lemmycaution
Arte Johnson did a character named Rabbi Shankar on Laugh-In.
THAT is funny! |
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Jokes
